Bring Back My Bonnie to Me
by Sultan Peppershaker
Summary: This story is about suicide. Don't do it.
1. I Won't See You Tonight, Part 1

**I just wrote this in thirty minutes, so excuse me if it's bad. I had this idea, and I'm hoping it will work out to my advantage.**

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_All fled, all done. Now lift me on the pyre  
The feast is over, and the lamps expire._

…

Bonnie Teslow sat alone in the house on 19 Caulfield Lane. Her mother was away on business, her oldest sister, Ashley, was out on a date, and her other sister, Keely, was at Phil's house.

All the while she sat in her room.

_**Cry alone, I've gone away  
No more nights, no more pain  
I've gone alone took all my strength  
I've made the change  
I won't see you tonight**_

She sat in her room, crying.

She sat in her room, in silence.

She sat in her room, thinking.

She sat in her room, depressed.

She sat in her room, alone.

Then again, she was used to being alone. She was always stranded. All she was, was a lone survivor stranded on an island. Hundreds of miles of open sea around her, she couldn't send out a rescue call… She had to wait for a plane passing by to see her… perhaps she could shoot a flare then…

But her rescuers never seemed to come within range in order to rescue her from this desert…

_Life is an island_, thought Bonnie Teslow. _And I'm the only survivor left_…

_**Sorrow sank deep inside my blood  
All the ones around me  
I cared for and loved**_

Bonnie sat in her room, a note to Kurt clutched tightly in her hands. A note she knew she would never deliver to him. She wouldn't have the guts to do it.

But he would know what the note said… she knew that much.

She smiled, remembering him fondly…

Remembering how he had used her…

Remembering how he had merely drank from the river, then turned his back on it, and surrounded himself in walls. Remembering how she couldn't get through to him. Remembering the sting of the tears when he told her that it was over.

And, above all, remembering how she had loved him.

_Life is a river,_ Bonnie Teslow mused. _We drink the water, then build up walls around ourselves._

_**It all built up inside of me  
A place so dark so cold, I had to set me free  
Don't mourn for me you're not the one to place the blame  
As bottles called my name  
I won't see you tonight**_

Bonnie got up and sauntered to the computer. Logging onto the internet, she heaved a deep sigh, and began to type.

After a good twenty minutes, she opened up a new window. She saw a familiar screen name was online, so she opened up a new window.

_menclyde: Hey  
mef: hey  
menclyde: I won't be on much longer.  
mef: why?  
menclyde: I posted in my LJ. Check there.  
menclyde: Hell  
menclyde: I need to find a pen  
menclyde: Well, goodbye…_

Signing off before 'mef' could reply, she took one last glance at what she'd typed. Deciding it was good enough, she turned off the computer. That was one thing, saying goodbye to everybody she'd met on the internet…

Saying goodbye to her family would be different, even if she mentioned them in her Live Journal…

_**Sorrow sank deep inside my blood  
All the ones around me  
I cared for and loved most of all I loved  
But I can't see myself that way  
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away**_

Sitting at the kitchen table with a pen in hand, Bonnie pondered what to write. She had written up a whole page of things to say to her sisters and mother, and was reading it when she decided that she didn't want it to be wordy at all. No matter how much she'd explain why it made sense to her, they'd never get why she was doing it.

So she threw that piece of paper away, and thought long and hard…

She remembered all the good times she'd spent with her family… all the shopping trips… all the concerts… all the laughs…

But she still prominently remembered the depression, and the void that remained inside of her.

_Life is a waterfall_, she thought. _We're one in the river, and one again after the fall…_

_**Cry alone, I've gone away  
No more nights, no more pain  
I've gone alone took all my strength  
I've made the change  
I won't see you tonight**_

So Bonnie kept the note short and sweet. She picked up the pen and started to write.

_I must end it. There's no hope left. I'll be at peace. No one had anything to do with this. It was my decision totally._

With a teary eye, she read over her note once more. While she prepared to do the deed, one more thing popped into her mind. Taking her pen, she added it in a tidy scrawl at the bottom of the page:

_All fled, all done. Now lift me on the pyre.  
The feast is over, and so the lamps expire._

_**So far away, I'm gone. Please don't follow me tonight.  
And while I'm gone, everything will be alright.**_

She tightened the knot around the blade of the ceiling fan, and fitted the noose around her neck.

Bonnie Teslow's last thoughts were: _Everything will be better for everybody after this. This will be best for_

_**No more breath inside  
Essence left my heart tonight  
No more breath inside  
Essence left my heart tonight **_

And, as she stepped off the stool, a shiver ran down Keely Teslow's spine, three doors down.

And as that shiver ran down Keely's spine, her sister Ashley dropped the glass she was holding.

Meanwhile, over 100 miles away, Mandy Teslow woke up in a cold sweat.

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**I want to write more to this, but that definitely won't happen if you don't review... so a review would be much appreciated.**

**"I Won't See You Tonight Part 1": Avenged Sevenfold. **


	2. Five Words Or Less

**I thought of giving up the story, but then I realized why I was getting so few reviews…

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Keely sat up straight, a look of confused worry on her face.

"What's wrong?" Phil asked.

"I don't know…" Keely replied. "I just… got this weird feeling." Shrugging it off, she said, "I dunno…"

"You know, they used to believe that that happened when somebody walked over your grave…" Phil muttered.

"How could somebody walk over my grave if I'm alive?" Keely asked, confused.

"I don't know, it's an old saying. None of those make sense…" Phil sighed. "Never mind…"

Keely nodded, but she still couldn't shake that awful feeling off of herself. "I… I dunno, Phil. I still feel weird…"

"Relax, Keely. It's just the storm… it's just the thunder and lightning…"

Keely nodded, realizing that her karaunophobia must be why she felt so uneasy. "You're right… you're right." She smiled and turned away from the blinds. "So, Philly-willy… where were we?

"I thought that was off the table…" Phil said, an eyebrow raised.

"You know you like it…" she teased, tapping him on the tip of the nose.

"You can keep thinking that all you like, but it won't change the fact that I don't like being called that."

"Come on, Phil…" Keely said in a whiny tone. "There are worse things in the world…"

"And that's another expression I hate! Of course there will be worse things in the world… unless you die; things can't really get much worse then…"

"Whatever, Phil…" Keely sighed. "I'm staying the night, 'kay?"

When Keely wanted to spend the night at Phil's she didn't ask; she just told him she was, and expected him to accept it. Of course, he always did accept it. "Alright, I guess I can understand why you don't want to walk back home in this weather…"

"And we all know how afraid of cars your family is," Keely said, a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"My dad just doesn't know that much about your age. I know cars are pretty safe, because you've taught me about this time…"

This made Keely put on a look of genuine surprise. "You learned something from me?" she asked, eyebrows raised. "I taught something to future-boy?"

"I've learned more about 2006 from you than I could from any virtu-goggle trip," Phil said, smiling.

"Wow…" Keely muttered.

"You're teaching me a lot more than you realize," Phil said, meaningfully.

"I am?" Keely asked, after a beat.

"More than you'll ever know…"

Keely smiled at the brunette boy in front of her. "I could say the same about you…" she muttered.

"Oh, you think so, huh?"

"Of course!" she said, perkily. "Like, with Tanner, I learned that just because a guy says he likes you doesn't mean he really does. And not to mention all this stuff I've learned about the future…"

Phil raised an eyebrow… certainly she brought up her ex-boyfriend for a reason? Or was he just getting his hopes up?

"And you've taught me about timing," she added, another smile playing on her lips. "You've taught me all you learned about… timing…" She leaned closer to him, almost teasingly.

"But there's so… much… more… to learn…" she whispered, her lips just centimeters from his own. "And I know that you can show me all about it, Phil Diffy," she said, and softly kissed him on the lips.

After giving their lips a brief moment to become acquainted, she pulled away from him slightly and purred, "I'm crazy for you, Phil Diffy…"

"Oh, Keely," he whispered. "…I love you…"

Keely smiled back at him. "I always thought it was meant to be…"

"What, our relationship?" Phil asked.

"Well, yes, but also the fact that you crash-landed in 2004... I don't think it was a mistake… I think it was an act of fate or some other peripheral force… I just think it would be too much of a coincidence, considering all the things that have happened, you know?"

"I think I know what you're saying…"

"Just imagining that you were destined to come into my life is a heartwarming thought, for me. Knowing we were made for each other…"

"That, and us meeting by coincidence isn't all that romantic," Phil quipped.

"That too…" Keely smirked, and raised an eyebrow. "It's just that… we seem like we go so well together, you know? The odds of that happening by coincidence are worse than winning the California lottery…"

"Good point… So does this mean you believe in fate?"

"You mean, that all of our actions are controlled by sentient beings?" Phil nodded, and Keely sighed. "I don't know about _all_ of our actions, Phil… I like to think that we have _some_ sort of free will…but I guess I can't really say for certain. I mean, the thought that we have no control over what we do is a little scary, to be honest." Keely sighed, listening to the constant patter of water droplets falling onto the roof.

"But it's tough," Keely added, "because if fate really did control anything, then I suppose we couldn't really be put to blame each other or ourselves for what happened…" Keely sat by the windowsill, looking out at the street.

"I think we all have control over our lives," Phil said, as a black Cadillac drove past his house. "I just believe that sometimes, fate gives us a shove in the right direction."

"Maybe you're right, Phil…" Keely sighed, looking at the rain blur the window pane. "Maybe you're right."

"Of course I am," he said, as Keely left the window side.

Keely smirked as she took a blanket out of Phil's closet and laid it out on the ground. Reclining on top of it, she heaved a deep sigh. "I love you, Phil," she said, and let her eyelids droop.

…Meanwhile, not a single thing stirred in 19 Caulfield Lane…

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**Start sending those reviews, now, okay? Keep me going...**


	3. Neun und Neunzig Luftballons

**This chapter came out slow… sorry about that. I blame this site and its bugs; this could've been up hours earlier if not for the site malfunctioning on me.

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Ashley Teslow got up early that morning and reluctantly left her boyfriend's house to head home. Taking a glance at the clock, she decided that her younger sister wouldn't be up at this hour, and so she didn't stop at Phil's house to pick her up.

Ashley pulled into the driveway of 19 Caulfield Lane and walked up to the front door. She unlocked the door, and put her keys on the small table by the door.

She looked at the ground and sighed. For some reason, she had a feeling that at least one thing in her life wasn't quite right. A sinking pit in her stomach, gnawing at her.

Shaking her head she walked into the hall and stopped dead. She saw her sister in the living room, hanging on a noose.

Ashley couldn't even move. She couldn't even think. She was shocked into immobility. She didn't scream, nor did she cry. She just stared at the scene in front of her.

Slowly, she started to soak in what was in front of her. Horrified, she left the room. Entering the dining room, she sat down at the table and held her head in her hands.

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Keely groggily rubbed her eyes as her cell phone cut through the silence. Fumbling around blindly for it, she managed to knock several things off of the small desk beside Phil's bed before she could pick it up. "Hello?" she croaked.

"Keely, it's Ash…" her sister's voice said in her ear, in a tone that Keely wasn't used to hearing. She sounded unnerved.

"Hey, Ash… what's up?" Rubbing her eyes, Keely wondered why her sister could possibly be calling her at 5:30 in the morning.

"I… I think you'd better get over here. Now."

"Ashley, it's--"

"Keely… just get over here." Keely raised an eyebrow as her sister's quavering voice silenced and a dial tone took its place.

"What's up?" Phil asked, sleepily, as Keely gave her phone a questioning look.

"My sister wants me to come home… right now…" Keely shrugged and slowly got to her feet.

"Do you need a ride?" Phil asked.

"No thanks," Keely said. "It's only a few houses over… you get your sleep."

"Are you sure?"

"Phil, I'm fine. Just go back to sleep, okay?"

"Alright," Phil said, and promptly collapsed back onto his bed.

Keely walked down the sidewalk, wondering why her sister could possibly have needed her so urgently. She sighed, looking up at a raven perched upon a neighbor's rooftop.

_Whatever it is had better be a good excuse_, Keely thought as she walked up the sidewalk to her front door.

"Ashley?" she called out as she entered the house. She heard a faint murmuring come from the dining room, and so she headed there. "Ashley, what's wrong?" she asked, upon seeing her sister, who looked obviously distraught.

"It's… Bonnie…" she mumbled. In response to Keely's querying look, she stood up and led Keely to the living room.

Keely's reaction to seeing her hanged sister was radically different than Ashley's. Keely immediately let out a sound somewhere between a scream and a yelp. Shortly after, she began babbling incoherently and even started hyperventilating. Ashley had to drag her into the other room to even get her to pay attention to her.

"Oh my God, Ashley… Ashley… Oh my God…" Keely couldn't seem to get anything other than those four words out of her mouth.

"Keely… sshhh… calm down…"

"I… I-I…"

"Keely, I'm going to call Mom, okay? She… she needs to be here…"

Keely nodded as her sister dialed her mom's cell phone number. After an eerily similar conversation to the one she had previously had with her sister, Ashley hung up the phone. "She's on her way… She said she'd be here in an hour…"

"Ashley, what are we going to do?" Keely blubbered. "Everybody will be talking about it… her friends, her… what about school? What are we going to tell them?"

"Keely," her sister said, grabbing her by the shoulders, "calm down… can you do that for me?" Keely nodded slightly.

"I just… need…" Keely stuttered, tears escaping from her eyes. "I…" she sighed, and fled upstairs. Ashley sighed. She knew Keely needed some time alone… she didn't want to impede on that. She looked to the ground, and saw a sheet of paper. She picked it up and read it…

_I must end it. There's no hope left. I'll be at peace. No one had anything to do with this. It was my decision totally._

_All fled, all done. Now lift me on the pyre  
The feast is over, and the lamps expire._

She slowly set the paper on the table with a trembling hand, half-wishing she hadn't read it at all.

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Keely ran into the bathroom and promptly vomited.

Slowly getting to her feet, using the counter for support, she looked around the bathroom. So cold and empty-looking… it gave her an uneasy feeling.

She looked in the mirror at her puffy eyes. The only thing that was running through her mind was _why?_

Why her sister? Why would she do something like that?

Thinking about it was giving her a headache…

Fumbling through the medicine cabinet, Keely looked for an aspirin. Finally, she found a bottle of pain-killers. She took off the cap and a handful of pills spilled into her hand.

Keely looked with fascination at the red capsules in her palm. There must have been about twenty in her hand, and the bottle was 100-count… in fact, only one pill had been used from it; that was just yesterday when her head was in splitting pain.

They were small… but so _powerful._ 'Extra strength', the bottle declared. 'Long-lasting relief.'

Just what Keely needed. _Long-lasting _relief.

Ninety-nine little red balloons, ready to be released into the sky…

_**Heute zieh ich meine Runden  
Seh' die Welt in Truemmern liegen  
Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden  
Denk' an Dich und lass' ihn fliegen**_

Keely looked up at her reflection and gasped. She put the pills back into the bottle, took one for her headache, and left the bathroom, though not before stashing the pills at the back of the medicine cabinet.

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**Lyrics by Nena.**

…**Thank you, Ashley. **

**Review... or don't. I guess you don't have to. Of course, I don't have to continue the story, so...**


	4. Kuolema Tekke Taiteilijan

**In case any of you were curious, the title of this chapter is Finnish... other than that, I've nothing to say.**

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Mandy Teslow opened the door to her home to see Ashley sitting in a chair in the hallway, looking into the living room. She looked over when she heard her mother shut the door, got up, and walked over to her. 

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Mandy asked, going over to her oldest (or, rather _older_ now) daughter.

"There's… something you need to see…" Ashley said, heaving a sigh…

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While her mother looked at the aftermath of young Bonnie Teslow's suicide, Ashley headed upstairs to her youngest sister's room.

She had never suspected her little sister would kill herself… she was always so happy… she never seemed too depressed at any given time…

Her room looked perfectly normal; it was left just as Ashley had remembered it being. There were no signs that there was a girl crying out for help. Ashley sighed, and sat at the head of the bed. She felt something underneath her, and immediately stood up. Digging underneath the sheets, she found a small book.

Upon discovering that it was a journal of sorts, Ashley flipped to the last page; surely her sister wouldn't mind her reading her diary now. The most recent entry was dated as the week before.

_I'm feeling a little depressed right now. And tired. But that's probably because it's 3:45 in the morning. I can't believe it either… I just can't get to sleep. Maybe I'm thinking too much… I'm not sure what the reason is, really. It's just that everything's been getting to me lately… life's been getting more complicated… and it's not helping that Kurt and I are hitting a rough spot in our relationship… ugh. I'm just not feeling like myself lately. I mean, I've been staying in… I always go out with my friends, but I've caught myself lying to them just so I wouldn't have to go out with them. Even my closest friends; I lied to them, and I never do that. I've been lying to my family, too, another thing I never do. I've been feeling pretty upset lately over a lot of things… a whole lot of stuff has been going wrong in my life; too many things for me to list. I've also been thinking a lot lately about stuff like love and philosophical stuff… I guess my life hasn't been all that great in the past six months anyway, but it's taken a really bad turn these last few weeks. sigh … I just need to start picking up the pieces. I'll write again next week._

Ashley slowly put down the small book. She hadn't even noticed any of the things Bonnie had mentioned in that entry. She seemed as cheery as ever in the past few weeks, not depressed as she had said in the diary. The only thing Ashley was remotely aware of was that she and Kurt weren't getting along very well. The rest was a shock to her.

She sighed and walked over to the dresser. On top of it was Bonnie's sketchbook. Ashley always said that her sister had amazing drawing talent, which she did. Flipping through the pages, she saw the familiar drawings of famous actors and actresses adorning the first dozens of pages. Johnny Depp… Scarlett Johansson… Ewan McGregor… Keira Knightley… Raviv Ullman… David Spade… then Ashley reached a page which surprised her. It seemed to be a short paragraph written across the paper but it was scribbled out so that she could only discern a few scattered letters, but the message was so obscured that she couldn't decipher it in its entirety. She spent a good five minutes looking at this oddity, then turned the page, and realized that the scribbling may have been the beginning of her depression. The next picture showed a limp hand being bitten by a spider. On the next page was a man holding a woman in his arms, the woman bleeding at the neck and the man with blood trickling down the side of his mouth. On the following page was a picture of two old men, one of them with rather skeletal-like features, pointing at something off of the picture and laughing at it. Other pictures included a giant cannibalizing a man, a veiled woman dressed all in black in front of a coffin with blood staining her hands, and a large crow pecking at human remains.

Ashley shut the book quickly and tightly, not wanting to look at it anymore. She dropped the book and fled the room. The sketchpad landed, open to a drawing of an arm resting on the side of a bathtub. Carved into the skin of the arm, with blood trickling from the wounds, were the words "I'M SORRY".

Ashley nearly flattened Keely as she rushed out of Bonnie's room. "Hey, Ash… w-what's up?"

Ashley opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it. "Nothing, Keely…" Her sister shrugged, and the two walked downstairs, to where Mandy was talking to a uniformed man. Keely's throat hitched up as she saw two men carry a body bag on top of a stretcher through the hallway and out the door. Ashley just sighed, and rubbed her forehead. Upon seeing her daughters, Mandy brought the two of them into a hug.

"Hey, mom," Keely said, being squeezed half-to-death.

_Yeah, hey mom,_ Ashley thought. _How was that welcome-home surprise?_

After a few minutes of conversation with their sobbing mother, Keely sighed deeply. "Uh, mom? Would it be okay if I went over to Phil's for a while?"

Mandy smiled. If anybody could make Keely feel better about this whole thing, it was Phil. "Sure, honey…" She tried to smile.

"You can come along if you'd like," Keely added. Ashley and Mandy obliged, and the three of them drove over to the Diffy residence.

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**Hey, that review thing last chapter was so fun, I think we should do it again now.  
**


	5. Oh, the Guilt

**4 am. 4 in the morning, and I'm updating a story... wow...

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When the three of them arrived at the Diffy residence, Pim was first to open the door. Something about the expression on Keely's face made Pim stop herself from saying, _Oh, look. The Three Stooges…_

"I-is Phil home?" Keely asked, fully aware that he would be.

"Yeah, he's--" Pim stopped as Keely dashed upstairs. "Upstairs…" she finished to nobody. "You two can come in, you know. We don't have the plague…"

Mandy and Ashley walked in as Barbara Diffy came into the room. "Oh, hello, Mandy, Ashley…" she greeted. "What brings you two over here?"

"Well… maybe you all should hear this together…" Mandy said, heavily.

"Okay, I'll go get Phil…"

"That won't be necessary," Ashley interjected. "I'm sure Keely will tell him all about what happened…"

Barbara raised an inquisitive eyebrow, but pressed on no further. Summoning Pim and Lloyd to the dining room table, the five of them sat down. The Diffys looked at Mandy expectantly.

"Uh, well… you, you see, what happened…" Mandy stumbled along, looking for a way to tell them.

Ashley sighed. Realizing it'd be a good half-hour before Mandy was able to say anything, she silently cleared her throat and announced, perhaps more bluntly than she had intended, "Bonnie hanged herself."

Everyone at the table looked at Ashley, silently, eyes wide. "I found her this morning," she murmured, looking down. For the rest of the conversation, Ashley avoided eye contact with the rest of the room.

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Keely hurtled into Phil's room and nearly tackled him when she locked her arms around him. "Keely?" he asked, in a bit of a stupor. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, Phil…" she cried, her head lying on his shoulder.

"Keely… what happened?"

"Phil," Keely sobbed, looking into his eyes, "it's… it's Bonnie… She… she…" Her throat hitched up, and she let her head fall on his shoulders again. Rubbing Keely's back, Phil remained silent. After a few minutes, Keely breathed in deep, and whispered, "She… killed… herself…"

Phil's jaw dropped. He'd known Bonnie for two years… she'd never shown any signs of being suicidal. In fact, she was usually the most upbeat of the three of the sisters. She never complained of being depressed, never had any noticeable mood changes… Phil probably wouldn't even have believed the news if somebody he hadn't known very well told him so.

Phil slowly pulled his mind back together, and sat Keely down beside him on the bed. Keely, however, simply shifted herself so that she was sitting on his lap.

Phil wasn't entirely sure what he should say to Keely… he went over a number of things in his head, but Keely ended up speaking first. "Phil… I need you to promise me something."

"Sure, anything."

"Well, actually, two things."

"Sure thing, what are they?"

"Well, for one… don't ever do that to yourself."

"No worries, Keel. I'd never do that…"

Keely smiled. "And the other thing… just… be here for me, okay?"

Phil smiled. That, he could do. "Of course, Keely…"

One thing was bugging Keely, though… the funeral. She knew her mom would either want her or her sister to give a eulogy there… but she knew she didn't want to give one, mostly because she didn't want to… part of her thought she wouldn't even be able to give a eulogy. She figured her sister would probably have similar feelings on the subject. After a few minutes of silence, she took a deep breath.

"Phil?" she timidly asked.

"Yeah, Keels?"

"Um… I was kinda wondering… would it be possible… if you did a eulogy? You know, at the funeral?"

Phil scratched the back of his neck. "Gee, Keely, I… I didn't even really know Bonnie that well…"

"I know," Keely said, "but… I mean, I don't know if I'd be able to… could you? Please? If not for her, then do it for me…"

Phil sighed. "You know what? I'll do it for the both of you…"

Keely smiled widely. "Thanks, Phil," she said, giving him a big kiss on the cheek. "I love you…"

No matter how many times he was ever going to hear that, he knew it would never old to him, at least when it was coming from her. He wasn't quite sure what he was going to do for the eulogy, but he was sure that he'd think of something by the time it came along.

The smile on Keely's face didn't last long, however, as the bitter reality came back into her mind. She cried some more, and basically spent the rest of the day by Phil's side.

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The last day of spring break came, and Ashley and Keely were coming home from a trip to the mall. Ashley heaved a vehement sigh. "It was my fault…" she said, wildly.

"What?" Keely asked, genuinely confused as usual.

"Bonnie… what she did… it… it was my fault."

"Ashley, don't say that," Keely said. "It wasn't your fault…"

"Of course it was, Keely. I'm the oldest, I'm supposed to look out for you two. How could it not be my fault that my sister's cries for help went unnoticed?"

"Ashley, don't say that… it wasn't your fault. Bonnie just--"

"Bonnie didn't get help in time!" she interrupted. "I didn't notice her change in those past two weeks. Don't you remember, Keely?"

"Remember what?"

"She wasn't even speaking to us those last few days! She didn't go out, she stayed locked in her room, she didn't take any calls… but I just ignored it. I just let her die!"

"Ashley, any of us could've done anything," Keely said. "We-"

"No, Keely," Ashley sobbed, "I should've been there to talk to her. I should've noticed those signs as a cry for help… It was my fault. I didn't talk to her, and she never got that chance to step forward… I never opened the door for her… This is all my fault…"

Keely tried to persuade her sister otherwise as they pulled into the driveway, but she had no success.

Ashley didn't sleep a wink that night.

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**Hey, let's all do that review-the-story thing again. It's so much fun it should be illegal.  
**


	6. Float On

**I got a sudden bit of inspiration last night, and I must say, the product of my scattered mind actually impressed me to the point of changing the story to accomodate its needs.**

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**The day of Bonnie's funeral arrived, and Phil still hadn't managed to think of anything to say. He wanted to say something deep and meaningful, but anything he thought of just didn't sound like the right thing to say.

Pacing back and forth in his room, he went over all the things he could possibly say.

"Honey?" his mother called, standing in the doorway. "It's time to go…"

"Okay, Mom," Phil said, and slowly left his room.

_**I backed my car into a cop car the other day  
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's okay  
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?  
Well you just laughed it off, it was all okay**_

As the Diffy family drove down to the church, Phil buried his head in his hands. There was no way he'd do this any justice, he knew it. He'd only end up making himself look like a fool, and, worse still, he'd disappoint Keely. But he had made her a promise… and he wasn't going to back out of it now.

Much sooner than Phil would have liked, they pulled into the parking lot.

_**And we'll all float on, okay  
And we'll all float on, okay  
And we'll all float on, okay  
And we'll all float on, anyway**_

"Phil!" Keely gasped, as he walked in the front doors. "You're here…"

"Of course I'm here, Keels…" he said, smiling.

"Are you ready?" she asked. "Because you don't have do this if you don't want to…"

"No, I'm going to do it… I promised you I would…"

Phil took a seat in the room and gazed at the casket, waiting for the service to begin.

_**Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam  
It was worth it just to learn some sleight-of-hand  
Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands  
Good news will work its way to all them plans  
We both got fired on exactly the same day  
That we were gonna quit it anyways**_

"…and now, a close friend of the Teslow family, Phil Diffy, would like to say a few words." The clergy stepped down from the podium.

Phil slowly walked up, and looked out at the congregation. He took a deep, steadying breath, and started. "What… can be said… to honor the memory of Bonnie Teslow? Well…"

He paused, trying to remember what he had written down on his note cards. Turning his eyes to the ceiling, Keely looked up at him expectantly, while Ashley looked on in confusion mixed with a slight look of worry.

An idea struck Phil, and he took another breath. Using his further understanding of things in the future, he began. Speaking softly and slowly, he said, "Bonnie was controlled by the scientific laws… as are all living things. It's a proven fact that everything and anything begins to decelerate as it approaches the speed of light; the speed at which matter is converted into pure energy. Last Thursday night, young Bonnie approached that very speed… converting her matter into pure white light. No, Bonnie is no longer with us… but she is all around us."

_**And we'll all float on, okay  
And we'll all float on, okay  
And we'll all float on, okay  
And we'll all float on, alright**_

Keely looked over at Phil with tears in her eyes as he sat down next to her. "That was so… amazing…" she said to him. She then got up and left the room, and Pim leaned forward to talk to Phil.

"_Matter _to _energy_?" she asked, stifling laughter. "Could you have been any more clichéd?"

"Hey," Phil hissed back. Unable to think of a witty retort, he simply replied, "Shut up."

"Honey," his mother said, as the parishioners stood up to get one last look at the decedent, "that was a very sweet thing you did for them…"

_Yeah, how about we let them be the judge of that?_ Phil thought, dully.

As Ashley took one last look at her sister in the coffin, Keely confronted Phil. "Phil… thank you so much… for doing that for us."

"No need to thank me," Phil said, rubbing the back of his neck. "It was no problem…" Keely smiled and gave him a tight hug before getting in the car with her mother and sister to drive to the cemetery.

_**Already, we'll all float on  
No don't you worry, we'll all float on  
Alright, already we'll all float on  
Alright, don't worry we'll all float on**_

Ashley pulled the black veil tighter over her face as Mandy sprinkled a bit of dirt onto the coffin resting in the grave. Keely went over to her distraught mother and gave her a comforting hug. "It's okay, Mom," Keely said. "She's in a better place now…" Mandy nodded, brushing away a tear.

"You're right… she's… she's in a better place…"

"We're always here for each other, right, Mom?"

"Of course, Keely… Of course we are…"

Over by the grave, Ashley stood alone. Staring down at the casket, she heaved a sigh.

Death. The big sleep. The ultimate escape from all the dissonance that existed in the world. For a brief, fleeting moment, Ashley pictured her own corpse inside of the coffin. But as suddenly as the vision came, it left.

A tear trickled down her cheek as she whispered to the wind, "_I could have told you, Bonnie… I could've told you myself… this world was never meant for somebody as beautiful as yourself…_"

_**Alright! Already! And we'll all float on  
Alright, already we'll all float on  
Alright, don't worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy  
We'll all float on  
Alright, already we'll all float on  
Alright, already we'll all float on  
Okay, don't worry we'll all float on  
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on  
Alright, already we'll all float on  
No, don't you worry, we'll all float on  
We'll all float on…**_

And with that, Ashley turned and let her sister fly.

* * *

**I'm not at all satisfied with this chapter, so don't feel bad if you feel like writing a review flaming me for what a bad job I did on it. I'll understand.**

**"Float On" - by Modest Mouse. **


	7. Brain Stew

**I must admit that this chapter was the most fun to write so far...**

**Sorry, people, but no updates until Monday. I'm going to be in San Diego, but I'll post chapter eight when I get back, okay?

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**

It was a mere three weeks until school ended for Keely and Ashley. Keely, wanting to let loose a bit before she buckled down to study for finals, decided to sleep over at Via's house the weekend their mother again went out of town on business. This left Ashley home alone.

_**I'm having trouble trying to sleep  
I'm counting sheep but running out  
As time ticks by  
And still I try  
No rest for crosstops in my mind**_

The more she thought about it, the worse she felt about her role in her sister's death. She should've been there… she should've watched out for her… she knew it was her fault, because she didn't pay attention. She'd known Bonnie the most out of anybody in that family… she should've realized.

She held back her tears as she headed downstairs. She just felt so awful about this whole thing…

_**On my own, here we go**_

Meanwhile, Phil was lounging in his room, doing some homework, when he happened to catch something out of the corner of his eye. It appeared to be lights flashing next door coming from the dim glow of the television in the upper floor. He shook his head, but noticed something sitting on his desk that sat by the window; Keely's purse sitting next to his AP World History book.

_I'll take that back after I finish this homework_, he thought, dully, and turned back to the paper in front of him. _Once I finish this paper, I'll go over to her house and give it to her._

_**My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed  
Dried up and bulging out my skull  
My mouth is dry  
My face is numb  
Fucked up and spun out in my room**_

Stifling a yawn, despite the fact that she wasn't tired, she looked in the refrigerator for something to drink. Nothing she saw seemed to pique her interests, though… then, she saw a standard bottle of champagne sitting at the back of the fridge. She raised an eyebrow… Ashley had forgotten that was even in there. It was still unopened, too…

_Eh, why the hell not? _Ashley thought, pulling a champagne flute out from the top cupboard.

_**On my own, here we go**_

After a while, Ashley had completely forgotten about Bonnie. Her feelings of guilt were gone, and what was left was a feeling of euphoria, and a sense that she was worth something, that she hadn't failed her sister or her family.

Why hadn't she discovered this before? The feeling… it was amazing. She never wanted it to leave.

_**My mind is set on overdrive  
The clock is laughing in my face  
A crooked spine  
My senses dulled  
Past the point of delirium**_

"And that is that," Phil said, with finality, placing his pencil down on his finished sheet of paper. He set down his work and breathed a sigh of satisfaction.

Looking over at his desk, he remembered that he was going to bring Keely's purse to her house. He picked it up, and announced to his mom, "I'm going to drop Keely's purse off at her house… she left it here yesterday." His mom okayed this, and he left the house.

Walking up to the Teslow house, he rang the doorbell and waited for someone to answer.

_**On my own, here we go**_

"I'll get it," Ashley muttered to the empty house, leaving the glass and bottle on the coffee table in the living room. She walked over to the front door and opened it to see Phil standing there.

"Oh…" she said, a smile on her face. "Hey, hey there… Phil!"

Phil raised an eyebrow, wondering what could possibly be plastering such a wide smile on Ashley's face. "Hey, Ashley. Can I come in?"

"Sure!" she chirruped, stepping to the side and letting him in. He walked inside and Ashley smiled at him, raising her eyebrows. "So… so, so Phil… what… are you doing here?"

"Oh, I saw that Keely left her purse at my place and I thought I'd drop it off… back… here, is something funny?" he asked, seeing Ashley holding back a fit of giggles.

"Nooooo, nothing!" she said, laughing. When she regained her composure, she looked over at him again. "Did… did anyone tell you, you, you, you look like that guy off… off… off the Disney Channel? 'Cause you do. And he's cute. You're cute."

"Ashley, are you drunk?" Phil asked, having never seen Ashley behave in this manner before.

"Phil Diffy, don't be silly!" Another fit of giggles came here. "Diffy! What a… ffffffunny name! Diffff-eee…."

"Ashley, I think you should--" but Phil couldn't finish his sentence as Ashley ran over and tackled him, landing right on top of him on the hardwood floor. He let out a wheeze, which Ashley soon sealed off by kissing him.

Prying her away from himself, Phil cried out, "Ashley, you're drunk!"

"Pssssshhhhh… no I'm not!" she laughed, looking down at him.

"Yes… you are," he said, prying himself out from underneath her. He looked over at the coffee table and saw the bottle sitting there. "Oh, Ashley," he muttered. "That's more than enough for tonight," he said to her, shoving the cork back in the bottle.

"Hey, hey, hey! Why you gotta do that?" Ashley asked, confused. She was happy… the champagne was making her happy… why didn't he want her to be happy?

"This is for your own good, Ashley," Phil said. "I'm going to put this somewhere where you can't get it."

This seemed to be especially humorous to Ashley, as she burst into a fit of laughter. "You… are very… funny. And yer cute," she said, smiling.

"Uh, thanks," Phil said, picking up the phone. He dialed Keely's cell phone number.

"Hello?" Keely asked on the other end, a faint laughing heard in the background.

"Hey, Keely, it's Phil."

"Oh, hey, Phil! What's up?"

"Um… I think you should get over here right now…"

"Why's that?" Keely asked. Listening to the background, she heard somebody on Phil's line say, "_Phillll… come heeeere…_" This prompted Keely to ask, "Who was that?"

"That was your sister, Ashley," Phil said, trying to keep her away from him with one hand. It was a losing battle, though, as she made her way around his arm and nearly squeezed him to death.

"I loooove yew…" she slurred, her arms wrapped around him in a bear hug.

"Just… get over here," Phil wheezed.

"Okay, I'm on my way," Keely said, and hung up her phone.

_**My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed  
Dried up and bulging out my skull  
My mouth is dry  
My face is numb  
Fucked up and spun out in my room**_

Phil paced around as he waited for Keely to arrive home. Ashley, who had been watching him intently, decided that she'd try and find where he'd hidden that bottle. She slowly walked over to the kitchen, when Phil spotted her.

"Hey," he said, walking over to her. "Hey, no. You've had enough for tonight."

Ashley stood up straight when she heard his voice. "Come on," he said, dragging her away from the kitchen. "Stay in here." He stood her up against the wall, and resumed his pacing. "C'mon, Keely…" he muttered. Standing by the arm of the couch, he paused. He thought he heard something.

Though maybe all he heard was Ashley's voice purring, as she ran and tackled him again. He fell on his back on top of the couch, again with her falling on top of him. "Hey! What the--"

Phil stopped when he heard the front door open. Ashley seemed to hear this too as she opened her mouth in shock. She got up, and Phil sat up. When she heard footsteps coming, she scooted back in horror, and latched her arms around Phil.

"This had better be good," Keely said, walking into the living room. She froze when she saw her sister practically on top of her boyfriend. A look of confusion spread across her face. "Phil… what the hell?"

"Ohhh... Hiiiiiiya, Keely!" Ashley said, standing up, relieved. Standing, however, seemed to make her dizzy. While he still could, Phil got off of the couch, and Ashley sat back down right on the spot that Phil had just moved from.

"Is this _good_ enough?" Phil asked, gesturing to Keely's drunken sister.

"Good point," Keely said. The two of them dragged Ashley upstairs and laid her down on her bed. "Get some sleep," she said, rubbing her sister's head. "You'll be better in the morning."

"Keep an eye on her, okay?" Phil said to Keely, walking to the door.

"…Bye, Phil!" Ashley gushed. "Let's, let's do that again, sometime, o-kee? Let's do that again!"

Keely raised an eyebrow and looked at Phil, who merely replied, "She's drunk."

_**On my own, here we go

* * *

**_

**"Brain Stew" - Green Day**

**So, like I said, I'm going to be in San Diego until the third... but you know what would be really great? If I came back, and my inbox had a lot of reviews waiting for me. That'd be great. Was that subtle enough?  
**


	8. A Hangover You Don't Deserve

**Back from San Diego... had a pretty good time there... And I'm really too lazy to check through this chapter, so if something seems weird, that's why.

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**

The next morning, Keely tapped on Ashley's door. "It's almost eleven o'clock," Keely said. "Are you gonna get up?"

"I'm up, I'm up," Ashley muttered, the knocking on the door sounding like accountants cranking adding machines in her head. Keely nodded and went downstairs.

Getting to her feet, Ashley slowly shuffled to the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and recoiled slightly. She looked an absolute mess: her hair was frazzled, her eyes were bloodshot, the spots beneath her eyes were reddened and slightly puffy. She breathed out, and nearly gagged from the smell. She quickly brushed her teeth, took one last disgusted look in the mirror, and walked downstairs.

"Keely, could you tell me what happened last night?" Ashley asked, her head in her hands. "Because I cannot remember for the life of me just what did…"

Keely smiled. "Well, I wasn't there for all of it… but Phil did fill me in on what happened in my absence. He came to drop off my purse that I left at his place. He noticed you were obviously drunk since you were laughing at everything. You ended up tackling him and started to kiss him. He pushed you off… well… hm… did he say that he pushed you off?" Keely looked up to the ceiling for a moment. "I must have a talk with that boy soon… anyway, he took away the champagne you had been drinking. When I came in, you had him pinned on the couch. Then we took you upstairs, and I'm guessing you fell asleep…"

"Wow," Ashley said, shaking her head. "I don't remember any of that…"

"I must say, you sound like an interesting drunk. I only wish I was around more before we sent you to sleep."

"Yeah, well you won't be seeing that side of me again. I'm never going to do that again."

"Well, that's good to hear," Keely said, giving her sister a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

"The thing I'm worried about, is how am I going to tell Mom about this?"

"Relax, Ash," Keely said. "She'll be understanding… sure, she may be a little disappointed in you, but… after all, 'to err is human, to forgive, divine'."

"Yeah… yeah, I guess so."

"Of course so," Keely said. "Mom will totally not be mad at you. You've got nothing to worry about. I'll even tell her with you."

"Really?" Ashley asked, raising her head to look at her sister.

"Of course," she replied. "I've got your back."

"Thanks," Ashley said, flashing a smile of gratitude.

"No problem, really."

"Not so loud… Feels like I've got a bunch of kids shaking those damn rattling noisemakers in my head."

"Oh, you mean those ones that spin around and make that annoying noise that sounds like one of those stupid roulette wheels?"

"The very same," Ashley muttered. "I need pain-killers…"

"Don't do anything too hasty," Keely said. "I found myself staring at those pills for a long time before I put them away."

"I'll be sure to do that," her sister said, walking up the stairs.

* * *

"Hey, Mom," Keely greeted as Mandy came in the front door. 

"Hey, there, Keely," Mandy said, giving her daughter a kiss on the cheek. "Where's Ashley?"

"Oh, she's upstairs… she's got something to tell you, I'll get her down here."

Whenever Keely usually said this, she would normally shout at Ashley to get downstairs, but this time, Keely actually ran upstairs and told Ashley her mother was home without deafening Mandy in the process.

"Hey, Mom," Ashley said, as she came down the stairs.

"Hey, Ashley. What is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Um… okay, last night… I… I did something that I really, really regret… Um, see, I was home alone; Keely was at Via's, like she said she'd be… and I was just thinking of the past few months… and I started to get pretty upset about it, you know?"

"That's completely understandable…" Mandy reassured her daughter.

"Well, I hadn't exactly been feeling that great in the past few days anyway, and when I looked in the fridge… I saw this bottle of champagne at the back… I don't even know why I decided to drink it, but… I guess I thought it'd help me feel better… it did, I guess, but… I just really, really regret it… I'm sorry, Mom…"

"Oh, sweetie…" her mother said, bringing her older daughter into a hug. "It's okay… we all make mistakes…"

Keely was surprised at how well her mother was taking this.

"One thing's for sure, though," Ashley said. "I'm never going to do that again. I know that it can't just make my problems go away… I'm really sorry."

"Oh, honey, if none of us made any mistakes, how would we be able to learn anything?"

This question interested Ashley. Her mother was right… if she hadn't made that mistake now, she wouldn't have been prepared for something like it in the future.

Keely's eyes widened. "Mom?"

"Yes, Keely?"

"Can I make a mistake and learn a lesson I'll never forget?"

"No. Maybe when you're older."

"Ohh…" Keely groaned. "That's so not fair…"

"Trust me, Keely," Ashley said. "You don't want to make this mistake…"

Keely looked at her disheveled sister, and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, the thought of me looking like that is horrifying."

"Hey… shut up," Ashley said. "So… you're not mad at me, mom?"

"Well, I am a little disappointed in the choice you made, but… I'm not mad. And I suppose that I can relate to the lengths you'd go to in order to cope with something like this… the important thing is that you've learned your lesson."

"Trust me, I have…"

"So, if I can't drink," Keely said, "can I at least make a different mistake for the family to learn from?"

"No," Mandy said.

"Aww… Ashley gets all the fun…" Keely crossed her arms, playfully rolling her eyes.

* * *

**I cranked that chapter out pretty fast… surprising. **

**This story made possible by REviewers like you (hint hint).**


	9. Hold On

**I must say, I'm a little dismayed. Though I suppose it was the 4th of July, so perhaps 4 reviews for the last chapter is a bit permissible.**

**

* * *

**

Graduation day came for the seniors at H. G. Wells Jr./Sr. High School, and Ashley couldn't have been more relieved. Mandy hollered out to her that they had to go as she made some last-minute adjustments in her room.

"I'm ready, Mom," he called back, running down the stairs.

"Finally," Keely sighed, as they hopped into the car. "How long does it take to put on your graduation gown over something?"

"I don't like this thing," Ashley sighed, looking down. "Purple just isn't my color…"

"That shade of purple isn't really _anybody's_ color. Don't feel too bad…"

"Yeah, thanks," Ashley said, rolling her eyes. "Really making me feel better about this whole thing… I just can't wait for it to be over…"

The class of 279 graduating seniors sat in the center of the auditorium directly in front of the stage, while other attendees sat on the sides or behind the class.

"Good afternoon, seniors," the principal of the school announced, "and congratulations. You've all managed to survive those twelve years of school you thought you'd never finish… many of you have even spent six years at this very school. I've gotten to know you all well… some people I'm very familiar with," he added, giving a glance to a select group of particularly rowdy boys. "Regardless of that, you graduates have a bright future ahead of you. I know that each and every one of you is capable of great things in the future. But in order to have a bright future, we need to make wise decisions… those decisions can greatly alter your path ahead of you… they can change who you are, or who you are not, in your future life. And while today we celebrate the senior class of 2006 moving into the 'real world', today we also take time to look back at the world the students of H. G. Wells lived in for so long. However, it was requested that I leave the stage, so now I leave the stage to Keely Teslow, a tenth-grader here at H. G. Wells."

A round of applause sounded as Keely and three other people took the stage. "Thank you," she said to the principal. "Our band," she said, gesturing to the other three people onstage alongside her, "Hansen Falls, was asked if we wanted to play a song to dedicate to my sister, who committed suicide this spring… At first, we thought it was a nice idea. But then I realized, Bonnie already knows how much I miss her. Why should I waste my time whining to a whole crowd of people when I'm only speaking to somebody that isn't even physically in the room? It would be selfish. So, the band and I discussed this for a while, and we decided on playing the song we're just about to. I'd like to thank the video productions lab for setting up the clips to go along with the performance…" Keely nodded to the band. The lights went off, and the video projection screen came down.

_Nearly 2,000 teenagers die from suicide each year_, read the projection on the screen as a soft guitar started to play. Keely adjusted the microphone and began to sing.

"_**This world, this world is cold  
But you don't, you don't have to go  
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely  
And no one seems to care  
Your mother's gone and your father hits you  
This pain you cannot bear…"**_

_Every day, approximately 80 Americans commit suicide._

_Each year, nearly 4,000 Americans aged 15-24 die by suicide._

_An average of two out of every twenty-five high school students have attempted suicide in the past year._

The chatter had completely stopped in the audience; the only thing audible was the music coming from the stage. Keely appeared to be trying very hard to maintain composure onstage.

"_**But we all bleed the same way as you do  
And we all have the same things to go through…"**_

The picture on the projector changed from the black backdrop to shots of students from the school. The first picture of the sort showed a short redhead with jade eyes, sitting on the school bleachers.

_Jen Handal  
Lost a father 3.21.87_

The next picture showed a petite blonde, sitting in the corner of a dimly lit room.

_Sarah Vollbrecht  
Lost a sister 6.15.99_

Following that was the picture of the high school basketball team with the caption:

_Lost a teammate 12.12.04_

Showing after that was the frame of a tall brunette standing in a dark room, looking at her feet. The font read:

_Julia Sweeney  
Lost a boyfriend 7.10.05_

"_**Hold on, if you feel like letting go  
Hold on, it gets better than you know…"**_

As similar pictures continued to pop up, Ashley was obviously visibly affected by the performance.

"_**Your days, you say they're way too long  
And your nights, you can't sleep at all  
Hold on  
And you're not sure what you're waiting for  
But you don't want to know more  
You're not sure what you're looking for  
But you don't want to know more…"**_

The picture of another girl appeared on the screen, though this time, the writing beneath the light-brown haired girl simply read, _Saved._

At this point, Ashley got up and left the auditorium, and didn't return for the rest of the day.

"_**But we all bleed the same way as you do  
And we all have the same things to go through…"**_

A few pictures of the aforementioned suicide victims appeared on the projection, including one of Bonnie Teslow. Keely made sure not to look at the screen at this point.

"_**Hold on, if you feel like letting go  
Hold on, it gets better than you know  
Don't stop looking you're one step closer  
Don't stop searching it's not over  
Hold on…"**_

The music stopped at this point to allow the audience to hear Sarah Vollbrecht speak.

"_I… I wonder all the time what my life would be like if my sister was still alive… I know my life would be completely different… and so much better… but I got left behind_… _she was only fifteen..._"

Julia Sweeney was the next to speak.

"_Chris was the last person I suspected to commit suicide… he was seventeen… he was always so cheerful and outgoing… he never showed any signs of chronic depression… The last thing he said to me was, 'I'll see you tomorrow, Julz…' …My tomorrow will never come…_"

On the subject of her father's suicide, Jen Handal said:

"_I never got the chance to get to know my father… I regret that every day of my life. All of my friends have dads that are great role models… but I'll never follow in my dad's footsteps… I just wish I had a chance to get to know him. I only wish he was still here._"

At this point, the music started up again.

"_**What are you looking for?  
What are you waiting for?  
Do you know what you're doing to me?  
Go ahead... what are you waiting for?…"**_

The following clips showed the teary-eyed friends and siblings of suicide victims talking to each other, comforting each other, and hugging each other. Tears began to find their way out of Keely's eyes at this point.

"_**Hold on, if you feel like letting go  
Hold on, it gets better than you know  
Don't stop looking you're one step closer  
Don't stop searching it's not over…"**_

Then the camera cut back to the girl who was "saved," named Amanda, who gave the camera a feeble warming smile.

"_**Hold on, if you feel like letting go  
Hold on, it gets better than you know  
Hold on…"**_

Keely stopped singing, and once again, the audio from the display kicked in. Amanda's voice came out of the speakers, saying:

"_I can't imagine not being here_. _I used to hurt myself, but… I realized that there was always a way out… no matter what, there was always a way out, and suicide wasn't it._"

The song ended, and Keely, now with tears running freely down her face, left the stage. The audience, whether still shocked from the video, or unsure if applause was appropriate, slowly began to clap for the performance. The slow applause began to turn into a tumultuous uproar. Had Keely not already exited the building, she may have even came back onstage.

* * *

**Well then. You know what to do from here.**


	10. Predictable

**I'm in the writing mood today, and I'm slightly less depressed than I have been. Which just may be a good thing for you readers.**

**

* * *

**Ashley sat out on a bench in front of the school, crying into her hands. Keely, who had just exited the building herself, caught sight of her sister's purple graduation gown out of the corner of her eye, and made her way over to her. 

"Hey, Ashley," Keely said. "What are you doing out here?"

Ashley sniffled and looked up at Keely. "I just couldn't handle it, Keely… I couldn't watch it…"

Keely put her arm around her sister's shoulders. "It's okay, Ashley… I barely stayed together up there…"

"I'm not going back in there," Ashley said, glancing over her shoulder at the school. "I can't. I won't…"

Keely nodded. "Want me to go get Mom?"

"Sure…"

"Okay. Be right back," she said, jogging over to the entrance. Ashley sighed. She wouldn't even speak to anybody for the next three days, and she only came out of her room a few times a day. She completely isolated herself from the world.

The day she finally decided on talking to someone, she realized that her boyfriend was probably her best bet. He would listen. He cared about her.

Ashley picked up her phone and called his number. "Hello?" a voice at the other end asked.

"Hey, Alex… it's Ash…"

"Oh, hey Ashley," he said. "Haven't heard from you in a while…what happened?"

"Um…I actually wanted to talk to you about that… would I be able to come over later?"

"Uh, sure, what time?"

"Well… I think my mom will be back with the car at about five o'clock or so… so like, 5:30?"

"Sure, that could work…"

"Okay, I guess I'll see you then…"

Something about the tone of Alex's voice troubled Ashley.

_**Something isn't right  
I can feel it again, feel it again  
This isn't the first time  
That you left me waiting  
Sad excuses and false hopes high  
I saw this coming, still I don't know why  
I let you in **_

Mandy ended up returning to the house at 4:15. Ashley decided to see if Alex was home or not, since she felt that the sooner she talked to somebody about it, the sooner she'd feel better.

She knocked on the door, and Alex's younger sister, Brooke, opened the door.

"Hey, Brooke… is Alex home?"

A smile spread across Brooke's face. "Yeah, Alex is home…"

_**I knew it all along  
You're so predictable  
I knew something would go wrong (Something's always wrong...)  
So you don't have to call  
Or say anything at all  
You're so predictable (So predictable...) **_

"He's up in his room. Come on," she added, beckoning Ashley to follow her. Brooke and her brother never got along very well.

"Hey, Alex," she said, opening the door to his room, "your girlf-- oh, I'm sorry!" she sputtered, in mock surprise. "I didn't know you had company!"

Ashley stood in shock for a few seconds, staring at Alex and this other girl in his room.

"Ashley!" Alex said, taken aback. Scrambling to his feet, he stuttered, "I--"

"Who is this?" Ashley asked, gesturing to the girl Alex was with.

"This? This is Brittany. …She's my partner for drama club."

"Oh, I'm sure she's your partner, but I wasn't quite thinking the same club…"

"Ashley, I--"

"You expect me to swallow that? You two were making out in your room!"

"Look, we--"

"Cut the crap. I don't even want to hear it." Ashley shook her head at him, then turned to walk away.

_**So take your empty words  
Your broken promises  
And all the time you stole  
Cause I am done with this  
I could give it away, give it away  
I'm doing everything I should've  
And now I'm making a change  
I'm living the day  
I'm giving back what you gave me  
I don't need anything **_

"Ashley, you don't understa--"

"_I don't understand_?" she exploded at him. "I think I understand perfectly what's going on between you two! But hell, I guess you're right in some ways: I don't understand why you said all those things to me if you obviously didn't mean them. I don't understand what makes that whore in your room so much better than me. I don't understand why I invested all this time in you if all you did with it was just throw it out the window. Yeah, you're right. I don't understand. I don't understand just why the hell I thought you'd be different. You just turned out like all of the others. Running your mouth without giving it a second thought. You're so pleased with yourself for saying all those things, but you're still dumber than the dirt on the ground."

_**I knew it all along  
You're so predictable  
I knew something would go wrong (Something's always wrong...)  
So you don't have to call  
Or say anything at all  
You're so predictable (So predictable...) **_

The girl in Alex's room left hastily. Brooke found this endlessly amusing.

"Ash--"

"You just don't get it, do you?" Ashley asked. "Did you even think about this? Or did you just think this was some sort of game? Only thinking of yourself, as usual? Of course you were. That's the only person that matters to you. I'm leaving. Don't bother calling my name out from the window."

_**Everywhere I go for the rest of my life  
Everyone I love (So predictable…)  
Everyone I care about  
They're all gonna want to know what's wrong with me  
And I know what it is (So predictable…)  
I'm ending this right now **_

As Ashley got into the car, tears ran down her face, from a mixture of anger, confusion, and misery. She drove down a road, thinking of who she would go to next… Family seemed to be the only other option.

She slammed on the brakes a few seconds too late, and crashed into a car backing out of its driveway. After realizing what happened, she started bawling, and didn't get out of the car until she got herself under control.

* * *

**They say "You are your own worst critic." So the more reviews I get, the less I listen to myself, and the better I feel. Sounds good to me.**


	11. Basket Case

**This chapter was a bitch to write.**

* * *

Mandy, being rather concerned for her daughter's well-being, decided to take her daughter to the hospital to see if she had suffered any internal injuries. Unfortunately, due to the nature of hospitals, they were forced to visit the hospital seven days after Ashley's accident.

"Mrs. Teslow?" a young female doctor called out.

"Yes?" Mandy asked, standing up.

"Your daughter doesn't seem to have suffered any internal damage from the collision…" Mandy sighed in relief. "I'd like her to be sent to the fourth floor for some other examinations, though…"

"The… fourth floor?"

"Oh, the fourth floor is our psychiatry ward. Ashley showed quite a few signs of clinical depression… I wanted someone else to check up on her."

Despite Dr. Nooner's reassurances that she wasn't sure if Ashley truly was depressed, Mandy seemed very troubled by this news.

* * *

"Alright, Ashley, my name is Greg Schipper… how are you feeling today?" the doctor asked, looking at a clipboard.

"Okay, I guess… I don't really think I injured myself in that crash, so I doubt there's--"

"Oh, you're perfectly physically healthy," he reassured her. "I'm just here to ask you a few questions… okay, Ashley, I'm going to give you a series of various indicators… you tell me how much you were bothered by the signs; if you weren't bothered by them, all the way to being bothered so much you couldn't stand them in the past seven days. Understand?"

"I think so," Ashley said, nodding.

"Okay… have you been affected by any numbness or tingling on your body in the past week?"

"No…"

Ashley continued to rattle off answers. …_No… didn't bother me much… couldn't stand it… bothered me a lot… slightly bothered… moderately bothered… couldn't stand the feeling… felt that way all week… sometimes, but I could stand it… no… didn't feel that either… a little… yes, a lot… no… yes, it terrified me… of course… slightly… only once… no… yes, it bothered me…_

"Okay, Ashley… I'll be back in a while." He went out into the hall and found Dr. Nooner standing, awaiting the results. "You were right… she shows classic signs of PTSD…"

"PTSD?" Dr. Nooner asked. "You were supposed to give her the BDI…"

Dr. Schipper nodded, and a while later, he came back into Ashley's room. "I've got a few more questions for you, Ashley," he said. "I'm going to give you 21 different topics… I want you to tell me how you feel about them and how they affect you, okay?"

"Alright…" Ashley sighed.

"Okay… how sad have you felt lately?"

"So sad I can hardly even stand myself," Ashley replied.

Dr. Schipper nodded and made an X on the paper. "Are you at all pessimistic about your future?"

"Let's just say there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just not sure if it's an oncoming train."

He marked an X in the 2 column and continued. "Do you see yourself as a failure?"

"I see a lot of failures I've made in the past, yeah."

"Do you get as much pleasure from things as you used to?"

"I don't get pleasure from anything anymore."

"Do you ever have any guilty feelings?"

"All the time."

Making another mark on the paper, he asked, "Do you have any punishment feelings?"

"No, I don't…"

"How is your self-esteem?"

"I disappoint myself."

"How often do you criticize yourself?"

"All the time…"

"Have you experienced any suicidal thoughts?"

"Rarely…" Ashley responded after a long pause.

"Do you cry often?"

"I cry over just about everything and anything."

"Do you feel restless or agitated?"

"More than I used to. It's a noticeable change, but it's not really that big…"

"Have you lost interest in activities you once enjoyed?"

"Yes, I've lost interest in many things…"

"Are you having feelings of indecisiveness?"

"It gets harder to make decisions as time goes on, yeah…"

"Do you feel worthless?"

"Compared to others, I'm not anything special…"

"Do you have much energy inside of you?"

"Not really enough energy to do much, really…"

"Has your sleeping been disrupted?"

"I barely sleep anymore."

"Have you noticed if you're more irritable than usual?"

"Slightly, yes."

"Have you experienced any changes in your appetite?"

"Some days I don't eat anything, other days I have to lock myself in my room to stop myself from raiding the kitchen."

"Are you having concentration problems?"

"I can hardly concentrate on anything… I'm always thinking of other things."

"How fatigued have you been feeling?"

"Too fatigued to do much of anything."

"Do you have any interest in sex?"

"No. None."

Making a final mark in his paper, he nodded. "Okay, Ashley. I'll be back shortly. Sorry for this wait…"

"It's okay," she said, absently, as he left the room.

* * *

"Miss Teslow," Dr. Schipper began, "I just gave your daughter two different tests. One test gauges how much she is affected by stress, and the other is a measure of how depressed she is… according to the results, Ashley shows classic signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD…"

"But… her… her sister died recently. Wouldn't that be normal?"

"Well in most cases, Ashley's nightmares, dissociation, and insomnia would be perfectly normal in a case such as hers, however--"

"However?" Mandy asked.

"However… after I gave your daughter the BDI to test her level of depression, she scored a 46. The range of 29-63 indicates severe depression in the individual. Because of these results, it seems that her anxiety symptoms are comorbid with depression, which leads me to believe that she is indeed suffering PTSD and is not just being affected by her recent loss."

"How will she get treated for this then?"

"Well, the good news is that these two disorders seem to have been set off by similar stressors in Ashley's environment, so they're very closely related. Odds are if we can treat her for one, the other problem will be much easier for Ashley to deal with. I recommend putting her on medication and starting her on psychotherapy. I'd like to keep her here at the hospital for a few days, if at all possible…"

* * *

"So… I have depression and… post-traumatic stress disorder…" Ashley muttered. Mandy nodded.

"They're going to keep you here at the hospital for a few days, okay, hon?" Mandy asked, patting her daughter's hand.

Ashley kept staring at the same blank spot on the wall. "Uh… oh, okay… I guess that would work…" Mandy sighed in relief. She thought it would be much harder for her.

"Come here, Ashley," a nurse said from the back of the room. Ashley, with a face of confusion and fear, followed her out the door, giving her mom a final brief wave.

* * *

**Normally, the BDI is taken as a survey filled out by the subject. I did it in that format so it'd be easier to write and so that it would read more fluidly.**  



	12. Tyrant

**You guys are slipping... 2 reviews for chapter 11?  
**

* * *

"So, your sister is taking psychotherapy sessions?" Via asked. 

"Yep," Keely sighed. "She's taking some antidepressants or something, too. For now she's staying in the psychiatric ward, but in a few days she'll be able to come home and just go there for the sessions… but they said she was a threat to herself right now and they had to keep her there… I don't know. I wasn't really told much about this. I guess Mom doesn't want me to worry. I guess that's nice of her, but I sometimes wish I could know the truth."

"Well they do say ignorance is bliss…" Via sighed, sitting down on her bed. "After all, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay… You don't want to be broke, do you?"

Keely laughed. "I guess you're right…"

"Of course I am," Via said. "That's nothing new."

"And so modest about it, too…" Keely said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, with people saying I'm right all the time, how could I not be affected by it?"

Keely shrugged. "I guess you're just that good." She let out a sigh. "I know that I'm depressing as hell... I'll probably feel better once Ashley's back here… it's weird being the only one in the house with Mom… not that it wasn't weird with just the three of us, but…"

"I understand… you just don't want to be alone… and you're not depressing as hell."

"Yeah… and you always seem to know what to say to make me feel better about stuff…"

"I thought that was Phil that made you feel better all the time…"

"Well he does, yeah, but it's complicated… well, I guess not. I don't feel the same way about you as I do about Phil, okay?"

"Well that's a relief…" Via laughed. "You're lucky to have Phil, you know."

"I know," Keely smiled.

"I mean… it's obvious Owen likes me… but he's just really weird, you know?"

"Hey, who knows? Maybe he'll change someday."

Via chuckled. "They'll put a man on Mars before Owen faces commitment."

"I bet you're right," Keely laughed. "Owen usually ends up regretting his decision after he gets a drink at lunch. But who knows? I certainly can't predict the future… maybe Owen will end up changing."

A brief moment of silence ensued before the two of them burst into hysterical laughter.

"Again, though," Keely said, "probably not until a man lands on the moon."

"Indeed…" Via muttered.

"I'm never going to forget you said that," Keely said, still chuckling.

"Now, _that_, I doubt…"

"Hey, I'm good at keeping promises!" Keely defended.

"Mmhmm. And what are these promises you've kept?"

"Well…" Keely raised an eyebrow. "Hey… I see what you're trying to do. It's not going to work, missy!"

"Okay, so maybe you can keep secrets… Just maybe…"

"Of course I can," Keely laughed.

"Right…" Via smiled, picking up a book.

"Know what I find ironic?" Keely asked.

"What?"

"The fact that my sister is in a psychiatric ward, and that you want to go into the field of psychiatry when you grow up."

"Hey, that would be ironic, if only it wasn't…"

"How is that not ironic?" Keely asked, confused as usual.

"Because they're two separate things, Keely. It would be ironic if Ashley helped me earn my degree, and then I went on to treat her after she developed these problems years later."

"Oh…" Keely said. "Wow. I'm an idiot."

"Yep."

"Hey!"

"I'm not the one that said it," Via defended.

"Yeah, yeah…"

* * *

"I just…" Ashley stammered, looking down at her hands, "I so badly wanted him to be different… He was different, at first…" 

_**Every time you come around  
There's a bouquet for me  
A corsage of promises  
And I am pinned  
Like a butterfly on a card  
I'm naked and I'm scarred  
And you're so perfect to me…**_

"I guess I'm a little pathetic… but I wanted to believe him… I mean, I was so shaken up already by the other stuff that was happening in my life… I… I felt like I finally slipped off the edge when I found him cheating on me… after all he said, and all we went through together… I just… I can't…" She buried her head in her hands.

_**Violent ties with hands like a steeple  
Tell me lies with a tongue like a needle  
I let the words shot down my throat  
A face like an iron fist  
That I can never resist  
I learned it all by rote…**_

"I can't believe I thought he'd be different…" she sighed. "Everything in my life just seems to be going downhill… Honestly, there are times I don't think I can honestly get better. I really don't."

"Have you ever experimented with ways to relieve yourself of these feelings?" Dr. Thurmann asked.

"Well… one night, I got really drunk… but I vowed that I'd never do anything like that again…"

"Was this before or after your break-up?"

"Before," Ashley said.

"That's the only time you've tried to escape from these problems?"

"Yes, if you mean actually tried… I remember one day I was thinking of suicide, as I told Dr. Schipper…"

"Do you often have thoughts of dying, if not suicide?"

"Yes," Ashley said.

"Do you remember the first instance of any such thoughts?"

"The first time I can remember is when I pictured myself dead in my sister's coffin at her funeral…" Ashley replied. "The most recent was when I thought I'd die alone after Alex and I broke up…"

The mention of Alex's name had an obvious effect on Ashley, who heaved a deep sigh. "I can't believe I was such a fool, to think he'd change my life…"

_**Words of wisdom from your tyrant mouth…  
Words of wisdom from your tyrant mouth…**_

* * *

"**Tyrant" - The Bravery**

**Time to review, then...  
**


	13. I Won't See You Tonight, Part 2

**You know, I didn't plan on updating today... then I realized that if I did, I'd have to write, and I'd actually get something done. So here we are. Fancy that...**

* * *

The treatments seemed to be working well for Ashley. After taking the mood elevators, and going to numerous psychotherapy sessions, she finally seemed to be taking a turn for the better.

"So," Owen said, lounging in the Teslow living room, "are we still going bowling Saturday night?"

"Yep," Phil responded, throwing a tennis ball against the wall.

"Would you stop throwing that ball, Phil?" Keely asked.

"I suppose I should be able to make it," Via mused. "No reason why I shouldn't…"

"So we're set then," Phil said, still throwing the ball.

"Stoppit with the throwing, willya?" Keely repeated. "You're gonna break something!"

"And we're still seeing _The Red Room_ on Friday, I assume?" Via asked.

"Yep," Phil responded, still throwing the tennis ball against the wall. Keely, finally fed up with this, caught the ball and winged at Phil, hitting him in the forehead with it. "Ow…" he muttered, rubbing his head.

"So, anyway, I was thinking…" Owen said. Upon seeing Ashley walk in the front door, he trailed off. "Oh. Hey Ashley," he said in a strange tone. "They let you out already?"

"Owen," Ashley said, rolling her eyes in irritation, "I was in a therapy session, not an insane asylum."

"You'll have to excuse Owen," Via said. "He's just an idiot…"

"Hey!" Owen shouted.

"Can't argue with her, Owen," Ashley called out, walking upstairs. "She does have a point."

"Thank you," Via said, raising a hand.

"How is Ashley doing?" Owen asked.

Keely gave him a blank stare for about half a minute, during which nobody made a sound. "Owen, why didn't you just ask her yourself?"

"I don't know," Owen muttered.

"Ugh… she's good, okay? She's really been getting better and better these past few weeks, what with the therapy and drugs… she's even sending out college applications. She's doing a lot better."

"Good to hear," Via said.

Keely nodded, and a brief silence followed. Then, the sound of a tennis ball hitting against the wall sounded in the room.

"PHIL!" Keely shouted, as he laughed. "Don't you listen to _anything_!"

"Sorry, Keels, I couldn't resist."

"Phil, if you so much as throw that ball once more…" she said, warningly.

"Sorry, Keels…" he muttered, giving her a remorseful look.

"Alright, this is getting weird," Owen said, getting up and leaving the room.

"I was just about to do the same," Via muttered, leaving the room with him.

"…They left," Phil muttered.

"Phil, don't get any ideas…" Keely said, raising an eyebrow. "You know my sister's here."

"Yeah… yeah…" Phil sighed. "But can't, can't we just--"

"NO, Phil."

"Alright, alright… okay. Jeez, I was kidding, anyway..."

"Alright then…" Keely said.

"So… your sister sent out college applications?" Phil asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah…" Keely said, a hint of depression in her voice.

"What's wrong?"

"I dunno… I mean, I'm happy for her and all… but when she goes to college, I'll be the only one left here…" She let out a little laugh. "Look how selfish I'm being…"

"Oh, Keel… it's perfectly understandable…"

"No," Keely said, shaking her head, "I'm just being annoying…"

Phil rolled his eyes. "Keely, it'll be the first time it was just you and your mom in the house… of course it'll seem weird."

"Call it what you want," Keely said as Ashley came back downstairs, "I call it selfishness. Almost as selfish as… as…" Keely stammered, not wanting to finish the sentence.

"As…?" Phil prompted.

"As… suicide! There, I said it." Keely heaved a sigh as Phil walked over to her and put an arm around her shoulder. "I mean… so what if it solves your own problems? It's so… selfish…" Ashley walked into the room as Keely went on. "I mean, Phil… why? Why did she do it?"

_**Come back to me, this is unconceivable  
Breaking apart the ones you love  
Hate runs deep for what you've done to us  
Left alone through suicide… suicide…**_

"I mean, didn't she think at all about us? What it would do to us? Her _family_? She left us here without her! Why would she do something like that?" Keely cried into Phil's shoulder, who honestly didn't know what to say.

Phil looked down at his hands…

…_hands of fate…_

_**Don't you… realize… that evil…  
Lives in the mother-fucking skin?**_

Phil sighed. "What if everything that happens to us… was inevitable?"

"You mean like, destiny?" Keely asked. "That she was destined to kill herself? That _anyone_ who does that is destined to kill themselves?"

Phil sighed again. "I've always just believed in fate…"

"You think… you think she was fated to kill herself…"

"I just… I don't know what to believe, honestly. But what if she was?"

"Phil… that's… that's terrible…"

"I know, but…" Phil sighed. "I don't know what I'm talking about…"

"No, this was Bonnie's decision--" Keely stammered.

_**On and on although you're gone  
Candles burn without a flame on  
Our final call to you… I know you're listening  
How could you leave us that way?**_

"Exactly," Ashley said. "It was Bonnie's decision. And it should be respected."

Keely looked up at her sister. "What?"

"'If freedom is self-ownership, ownership over one's own life and body, then the right to end that life is the most basic of all.' Arthur Schopenhauer said that. If other people force you to live, then you don't belong to yourself anymore."

"You're… advocating suicide?"

"I didn't want Bonnie to commit suicide. I just can understand why she did."

"But… Ashley… she used a very _permanent_ solution for temporary problems."

"Her problems were going to be life-long," Ashley said, knowingly.

"Oh you think so, huh?" Keely asked.

"I know," Ashley spat back.

**_You've got to get yourself together  
You've got stuck in a moment  
And you can't get out of it_…**

"She didn't have to do it…" Keely sobbed.

"She thought she did. She made the decision. I respect it. It was her life, she did with it as she wanted. Who am I to tell her what to do with her life?"

Keely sighed. "Every problem she had was fixable… everything except hanging herself…"

"It was her choice," Ashley said. "I don't like her decision, but I respect the decision she made."

"But… she denied herself of freedom!"

"No… she freed herself. She let herself fly…" Ashley sighed, and left the room.

**_I look back and see the twisted road  
Best friends and despair took its toll_…**

"She shouldn't have done it…" Keely said, her voice trembling, tears running down her face.

_**Sorrow sank deep inside my blood  
All the ones around me  
I cared for and most of all I loved  
But I can't see myself that way  
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away**_

"She shouldn't have done it…" she repeated, sobbing, trying to fight back her tears.

_**I don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide…**_

Keely, becoming angry and betrayed, muttered, "She left us here… she only solved her own problems…" Brushing away her tears, Keely sighed in frustration.

**_WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TAKE HER AWAY FROM US YOU MOTHER-FUCKER?

* * *

_**

**Lots of different songs were used in this chapter… and I did have to change a "him" to "her", okay…  
**

"**I Won't See You Tonight Part 2" - Avenged Sevenfold  
"Soil" - System of a Down  
"10 Years Today" - Bullet for My Valentine  
"Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get out Of" - U2  
"Chop Suey!" - System of a Down**

**So review. What's holding you back?  
**


	14. Life Goes to a Party

**I would've updated this last night, but... go figure, the site was down.  
**

* * *

As time rolled on, Ashley started to show much greater improvement. She had seemingly overcome the post-traumatic stress disorder, her scores on the Beck Depression Inventory had significantly decreased (granted, she still took the antidepressants, and still had psychotherapy sessions, though not as often as before), and, on top of all of that, she even got accepted into Barnett College, in Stockton, California, as she learned one day after checking the mail. 

"Guys," she called, upon opening the letter, "I made it! I got in!"

"Really?" Mandy asked, as Keely came downstairs. "Honey, that's great!" her mother gushed, hugging her.

Ashley coughed. "Too much love, Mom," she wheezed.

Mandy apologized, smiling, as Keely entered the room. "You're in?" she asked.

"Yep… Barnett…" Ashley said, a wide smile plastered on her face.

"Congratulations," Keely said, albeit a little forcefully.

"Oh… Keely…" Ashley said, putting an arm around her sister's shoulder. "Relax… besides… it's not like I'm going to be that far away."

Keely shrugged. "Yeah… I guess you're right… that's just me being selfish again."

"Of course it is…" Ashley laughed. Keely rolled her eyes.

"Oh, thanks…"

"Hey, sure thing."

"You are all heart…"

"Oh, cry me a river…" Ashley retorted, rolling her eyes. "This is huge!" With that, she took the letter upstairs into her room.

Keely smiled and sat down at the table.

"You okay, Keely?" Mandy asked.

"Huh? Yeah… I'm.. I'm fine. Just… things will be different around here. But it's okay," she said, giving her mother a small smile.

"You sure?"

"Yeah." Chuckling at herself, she added, "I'm gonna go to Via's for a while."

"Okay… call when you know when you're coming back, then."

"Will do," Keely said, picking up her keys and walking out the door.

Keely sighed as she got in her car. While driving to Via's house, she vaguely remembered a dream she had the night before; in it was a small Asian man named Mr. Yoo, the name most likely derivative of when she was on IM with Tia, and typed out "mr yoo" instead of "me too" because her fingers were on the wrong keys.

* * *

"Well, Via," Keely sighed, sitting down at the foot of Via's bed, "it looks like we'll probably get to know each other better in the future…"

"Oh really? Did you dump Phil for me?" she joked. "Because I'm flattered, Keely, but I don't feel the same way about you."

"No, I didn't break up with Phil," Keely said, rolling her eyes. "But my sister did get accepted into Barnett."

"Did she? Well good for her!"

"Yeah, I'm… I'm really happy for her," Keely said, smiling. "Like she said… 'This is huge!'…"

"You don't seem happy for her…"

"I am… I just can't really imagine what it'll be like being alone in the house with Mom…"

"Keely, you won't be _alone_…"

"I know, I just… I…" she heaved a deep sigh. "I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to get some attention… I just… I don't know… I guess it's just silly, the way I'm acting…"

Via looked over at Keely and said, "Yes. Yes it is."

"Oh, thanks," Keely said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, it's the truth. But the point is, you'll always have me, you'll always have Tia, and you'll definitely always have your mother and Phil to talk to. You've got it pretty good, Keely."

"Yeah… yeah, I guess so…"

"I mean… despite all the stuff you've been through, you've still got a lot to be grateful for. I really wish I had that kind of security in my life."

"What do you mean?"

"Aside from the fact that we might just have to pick up and move any day, you mean?" Via asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Er… yeah…" Keely said, laughing nervously.

"Well, let's see. Well, first off, you can still talk to Ashley on the phone. I'm an only child, so I don't really have any siblings to share anything with, though I suppose you're as close as a sister that I'm going to get." Keely smiled at this, as Via continued. "You've got a lot of friends that you've known for a long time. Again, hard for me to do when I have to pick up and move so often. It always seems as if I'm on the outside looking in, you know?" Keely opened her mouth to respond, but Via cut her off. "No, you don't. Not really… What am I forgetting?" she muttered, feigning ignorance.

"Um…" Keely thought for a while.

"Oh, that's it! _Phil_. You've got Phil. Let's face it, Keely, you two are made for each other, and you both know it. It's funny… some of your closest friends have known you for less than a few years… where did you say Phil was from again?"

Keely's eyes widened. "Uh, well, I… er… well he's--"

"Never mind, that doesn't even matter," Via said, much to Keely's relief. "The point is… he's great to you. I mean… you talk about him so much, to the point where I just want to duct tape your mouth shut. But I don't, because he's making you happy." Keely shifted uncomfortably as Via continued. "The closest I have to that is…"

At that moment, Via's phone rang, producing the tune of "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor" by the Arctic Monkeys.

"Hello?" Via said, picking up the phone. Keely watched Via as she, while rolling her eyes, said, "Oh… hello, Owen… Yes, Owen, I am doing something… Well, I _was_ talking to Keely before you called…" Via's accent seemed to be getting stronger, which was a sure sign that she was becoming annoyed. "Listen, Owen… Owen… Owen! Listen to me. I think it would be best if you just didn't call me in the next few days, okay? …What do you mean, _what did you do_? Owen, you were at the party, you know what you did. …Yes you do! Owen, you completely ignored me! Not to mention the fact that you spilled punch all over my skirt, which, by the way, you _will_ be paying for…" After a pause, Via rolled her eyes, heaved a heavy sigh, and said in a menacing tone, "_Owen…_"

"Hey, Via?" Keely asked.

"Yes?" Via said, covering the mouthpiece on her cell phone.

"Could you give me that for a second?" she asked, pointing to the phone.

"Be my guest. I cannot get through to this boy."

"Hey, Owen?" Keely said, after taking the phone. "Oh, it's Keely. Yeah, hey… okay, Owen, trust me on this one… just… hang up, and give it a few days, okay?" Via watched Keely walk out into the hall, and couldn't quite discern exactly what Keely was saying to him. A few minutes later, Keely came back in the phone and handed the phone back to Via. "I think he gets it now…"

"What? How… why doesn't he ever listen to me?"

"Guys like Owen can get frustrated when they aren't told exactly what to do…" Keely explained. "But I think I gave him a shove in the right direction…"

"What, straight off a cliff?" Via asked.

Keely raised an eyebrow. "What did he do, exactly?"

"You mean besides making a tit of himself at the party? Or what he actually _did_ at the party?"

"What did he do at the party, then?"

"Well, let's see. First, he asked me to go, which wasn't too bad. He managed to get it all out in one breath, and, I figured, 'Well, why not give it a go?' So, I went with him. But at the party, he gets hammered… he was acting a total blighter. I mean, the guy's got to have a lotta bottle to chat another girl up _right in front of me_! I told him I was brassed off with him but he must've been too arseholed to understand me…"

"Wow… I'm sorry to hear that…"

"I'm easy…" Via said, shaking her head.

"What?" Keely asked.

"I'm don't care," Via repeated. "I'm just… narked at him, is all."

"Just give it time," Keely said, patting Via on the back. "He'll come around…"

"Let's hope so… shitfaced smarmy git…" she muttered in irritation.

Via's mother called up to her room to let her know that they were leaving for dinner soon.

"Well, Vee, I guess I'll go now," she said, as Via got up to start getting ready. "See you later."

"Oh, Keely, before you leave, have you seen my pu-- …my cat?" she asked, catching herself before she said something Keely would most certainly take offense to.

"Huh? Oh yeah… she was in the front yard… I'll let her in."

"Alright," Via said, giving Keely a nod. "Cheers, then," she added, as Keely left.

* * *

**And now, as the old habit goes, I remind you to review.**  



	15. Don't Let Me Die Still Wondering

**I'm suffering from not sleeping... so this may seem a little bit different from what I normally write... okay...  
**

* * *

"I thought that whole episode was a dream, though," Keely was saying to Phil. 

"No," Phil replied, "see, they _wanted_ the audience to think that, but remember when he saw her at the end of the episode? After he reveals that his sister is a phony?"

Keely frowned, thinking. "No…"

"Well, the person he ran into earlier in the episode--"

"Oh, when everything froze and he thought--"

"Yeah," Phil said, nodding. "That was her at the end of the episode, when she winked at him…"

"Really? See, I hadn't noticed that…"

"Well now you know," Phil said, smiling.

"So that episode wasn't a dream, then?"

"Nope."

"But… didn't they have an episode earlier in that season similar to that?"

"How so?"

"Well… just like, with the main plot of the episode, and then… the characters are put right back where they started… you know, something similar happened to that when the family was having dinner with their neighbor… It's the same basic thing, isn't it? Something happens to turn back time, and… the characters are right back where they started…"

"Huh." Phil thought for a minute. "Yeah, I guess that is kind of similar…"

"I guess they're different enough, though…" Keely sighed.

"Yeah… I guess so."

"I guess that's just bugged me for a while."

"Well, a show like that, of course there's going to be some confusing stuff happening."

"Yeah… you're right…"

At that point, Ashley came into the room, rubbing her eyes.

"Hey, Ashley. What's up?" Phil asked, as she sat down and shook her head.

"I just received a peculiar phone call," she responded, looking absently ahead.

"What kind of call?" Keely asked.

"A call from Kurt…" Keely raised an eyebrow at the mention of Bonnie's ex-boyfriend. "He was… he sounded a bit bothered… and he was rather apologetic. He seemed to blame himself entirely for what she did to herself…"

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him the truth. He wasn't the only thing playing a factor in it, but he played a part nonetheless." Phil nodded, when Ashley muttered, "Of course he'd be remorseful now…"

"What?" Keely asked.

"Of course he'd be remorseful," Ashley repeated, more loudly this time.

"I heard you, but… what do you mean?"

"I mean… it seems to me that the knowledge of Bonnie's death is causing Kurt to act remorseful… to forgive her for any wrongdoings she may have committed… why is it that we're only willing to do that when we face the reality of death?"

Keely frowned. "Er… um…"

"We always seem to take things for granted… we live, thinking that we'll always be with them, that they'll always be with us. Kurt told me he's always cared for Bonnie…"

"He has, though," Keely said. "Maybe they had their problems, yeah, but he's always cared for her. That's always been the same."

"Oh no… it changed now. Death changes everything about us. It changes the way we act, It changes the way we feel, It changes the way we think, It changes the way we see the world, the way we live our lives. Keely, I'm not sure you understand just how much of an impact it has on us, ironically." Keely tried to argue, but Ashley cut her off. "Keely, if I were to tell you the exact moment you were going to die, it would destroy your world entirely. Can you imagine what it would feel like if somebody sat you down and told you that you were dying? Can you imagine what kind of an impact that would have on your life? Hmm? Because you can't. There's no way you could imagine something like that. To imagine somebody telling you you're dying is impossible to wrap your mind around until it happens to you."

"We're all dying, Ashley," Phil said. "Ever since the day we came out of our natal… ever since the day we were born."

"But most people have the luxury of not knowing when they're going to die. The ironic thing about it is that the people who do know are the ones that really live their lives to its full extent. People don't appreciate their lives until it's being taken away from them."

Keely, under the impression that Ashley was talking about her sister, said, "Bonnie appreciated her life… or, at least, she used to…"

"Regardless if that's even true or not, did _you_ appreciate her life? Do you value your own more now than you did before?"

Keely opened her mouth to try and say something, but no words came out.

"We only truly appreciate the value of things when they're gone, Keely. Even Dad was affected by this, even though he left us. The knowledge of his youngest daughter's death had quite an effect on a man who had barely even seen any of his children for the past ten years."

"But… I appreciate my life…" Keely said.

"At the cost of your sister's…" Ashley said. "You wouldn't truly feel that way if Bonnie was still alive. But since she's gone, you find that you're grateful for the life you have, and for the body you live in. Just like she wasn't."

"She was…"

"No she wasn't. Not in the end. She wasn't thankful for her life. And so she didn't deserve to live it."

"Don't say that…" Keely said, closing her eyes.

"I'd be telling lies otherwise, Keely. I thought of telling Kurt about that, but I figured, 'Let's do not… put him through my ramblings…' He wouldn't understand, anyway."

Keely sighed.

"I'm not sure _you_ understand…" Ashley muttered, then left the room.

"Phil?" Keely asked, timidly.

"Yeah, Keel?"

"Would you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Lock up the Giggle."

"Sure thing," Phil said, smiling.

* * *

**Well. Drop me a review now, okay?**


	16. Boyfriend Wanted

**Here I am, at 1:33 am, PDT… and I'm writing… Because I have nothing better to do with my life.

* * *

**

"Hello?" Via asked, picking up the phone.

"Hey, Via," Keely said. "My sister's flying out tomorrow. I was wondering if you'd want to come with…"

"What time is the flight?"

"9:00 in the evening," Keely replied, nonchalantly. "We're leaving at about 4 p.m.…"

Via let out a long, annoyed groan. "Keely… we'd get back sooooo late …"

"Fine," Keely said, trying to guilt her friend into coming along. "I mean, it's not like she's your sister, I completely understand. I mean, who knows when you'll see her again, right?" Dropping the charade, she sighed and said, "Come on, Vee! It's just one day."

"But what if I have plans? Ever think of that?"

"Well… we _were_ planning on going to the mall beforehand…"

"The mall… really?" Via was suddenly intrigued.

"Yeah. What better way to put Phil and Owen through hell, anyway?"

"Owen?" Via asked, clearly not trying to hide the disappointment in her voice.

"Yes, Owen. He said he wasn't doing anything that day anyway, and as long as Phil was going, he decided on going, too…" This actually wasn't entirely true. Owen knew how good of a friend Via was to Keely, and figured she would see off her best friend's sister, giving him an opportunity to spend some time with her. But Via's tendency to trust her best friend came through, overshadowing any possible doubt she had of Owen's deeper intentions. "Yeah, I'll go…"

Keely squealed with delight. "Thanks, Via!"

Via grimaced, and held the phone away from her ear while Keely squealed. "You're welcome," she barked into the mouthpiece, and hung up the phone.

"She said 'yes'?" Phil asked.

"She said 'yes'…" Keely asserted.

"Well," Phil sighed, "that'll give Owen someone to do. …Some_thing_ to do. I don't know why… I accidentally said some_one_…"

"Glasses!" Ashley half-shouted, skulking through the house. "Where are my glasses!"

"On your face," Keely replied, looking up at her. Upon hearing this, Ashley stopped, felt for her glasses, and sure enough, discovered they were there.

"How about that…" Ashley muttered, walking back upstairs to finish packing.

"Your sister… is usually more together than this, right?" Phil asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah… well, it's moving off to another county… she'll be, like, 400 miles away. It's a big step."

"Yeah… I guess you're right."

"Ha! That's a point for me!"

"What's the score?"

Keely elected not to respond.

* * *

The next morning, Phil, Owen, and Via all showed up just as the car was getting loaded. Ashley came out of her room with a suitcase in each hand, and one underneath her arm.

"Little help?" she asked. Phil and Owen went up to meet her.

Phil took the one under her arm, and nearly fell over because of the weight. "I'll get that one, Phil," Owen said, taking it from him. Phil felt a bit ashamed, but was then relieved when he noticed that Via, who was looking at Owen, was the only other one in the room, and that Keely must have been waiting in the car. He took the suitcase out of Ashley's left hand, and loaded it into the trunk.

So Mandy, her two daughters, Phil, Owen, and Via all got into the Teslows' minivan and drove to the nearest city with an airport: San Diego. While Owen and Phil got just about nothing at the mall (Owen did end up getting a studded bracelet, Via and Keely bought enough so that the money they spent could've been enough to buy a mini-mansion in Newport Beach.

On the way to the airport, Keely and Phil sat together in the middle seat, and Ashley rode shotgun, leaving Via and Owen together in the backseat. Via ignored him much of the way, as she was still a bit peeved at what he'd done at the party. Owen was lucky that she'd gotten over it, for the most part, as it wouldn't have been a pretty sight if she was still as mad at him as she was when he called her on the phone a while ago.

No, Via was just about over that. Though the only things she said to him were usually one- or two-word responses. Owen eventually decided to just stop talking.

When they pulled up to the airport, Mandy pulled into the short-term lot. The clan got out of the car and made their way over to the building. While Ashley went to get her ticket, the other five stood out of the way of traffic. Via leaned up against a wall and sighed, as Owen looked around aimlessly, trying not to make obvious eye contact with her. A teenaged boy spotted Via, and he looked at her for a while until his friend came up to him, showing him the two tickets in his hand.

A few minutes later, Ashley came over with her ticket in her own hand. "Let's go," she said, smiling. So, they all walked down the aisle, up the escalator, and stopped a little way from the security checkpoint, out of the way of anyone else who happened to be bustling on through.

"Well… I guess this is it…" Ashley said, absentmindedly brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. Since Phil was standing the closest, she moved towards him and hugged him.

"What… what's this?" Phil asked. "Why are you squeezing me with your body?"

"It's a hug; I'm hugging you."

"Oh…" Phil realized, and hugged her back.

Pulling away from him, Ashley gave him a smile and said, "Goodbye, Phil. If Keely drives you nuts, be sure to call me, okay?"

"Will do, Ash."

Next, Ashley turned to Via, as Phil walked over to Owen.

"Nobody told me there would be hugs," Owen told Phil, a hint of excitement in his voice.

"Owen, she's going to college. She's going to want to say goodbye, and yes, that probably means she's going to want to hug some people."

"No… kidding…" Owen replied, distracted by something. Phil followed Owen's path of sight to see what was so distracting, and rolled his eyes when he saw Via and Ashley locked in a hug.

"Oh, please…" Phil muttered.

"You know it's hot…" Owen said, walking over as Ashley beckoned him over.

"What's wrong?" Via asked, walking over to Phil.

"Owen," Phil replied.

"Well, that much is obvious…"

"I guess you're right…" Noticing Via's silence, Phil again turned, to see what she was looking at, and just caught a glimpse of Ashley kissing Owen on the cheek. He looked back at Via, who had an eerily blank expression on her face. "Via?" he asked, tentatively. "V… Via?"

"What?" she said, snapping a bit more than she had intended.

"You okay?" Phil asked, knowing perfectly well that she was not okay.

"I'm fine," she said, airily. "Jim-dandy."

"Uh huh…" Phil said, an air of skepticism about him.

As Owen came back over to them, the teenager that had noticed Via earlier walked by again. While Phil and Owen engaged in conversation, he went up to her.

"Hey," he said to her.

Via didn't like this situation one bit, and looked for an escape route.

"I'm Steve," he went on.

"I'm Olivia…" she replied, and taking a quick glance over her shoulder, she grabbed Owen by the arm. "And this is my _boyfriend_, Owen."

Owen smirked, and took this opportunity to slide his hand into her back pocket. And perhaps it was the new studded bracelet, the leather jacket, or maybe just because he looked like he'd ridden a motorcycle all the way there , but suddenly, Steve wanted to get as far away from him as possible. Via laughed as he walked away, and looked at Owen, moving his hand to her waist instead of slapping him in the face (to his great surprise). Instead, she just said, "Thanks, Owen," and gave him a peck on the cheek.

As Ashley walked over to the security checkpoint, everybody gave her a wave goodbye. While walking back, Phil looked over at Owen, who merely smirked, extremely pleased with himself.

* * *

**And... it's 3:35 now. Drop a review. Don't make me feel like I'm up this late for no damn reason.**


	17. Meet Me in the Red Room

**I know... it's been too long since I've updated... eh, sue me.**

* * *

Ashley collapsed on the bed with a sigh as she set down her last suitcase. When she felt someone sit down next to her, she slowly rolled over to see who it was. 

"So, this is my new roommate, eh?" a short blonde mused.

"Yup," Ashley responded. "Straight outta high school…"

"Hey, not bad…" the blonde said. "I'm Molly… Molly Groves."

"Ashley D. Teslow," Ashley responded, rubbing her eyes a bit. "People call me Ashley for short."

Molly nodded. "Cooly. So…"

"I suppose you want to know a bit about me, then?" Ashley asked.

"Yeah…"

"Alright then… at age six, I was pushed out of a moving bus. I once broke three toes while in an epic battle with a brick wall, I'm nearsighted… what else… I have no reflex response in my right knee…"

"Uh… that's all very interesting, Ashley, but that's not quite what I meant…"

"Oh… well what the hell did you mean?"

"I dunno…" Molly admitted, after a pause.

Ashley stared at Molly, an eyebrow raised, then slowly said, "…Rrrrrrriiiiiiiggghhht…."

"Huh…"

"Well, tell me about _your_self, then," Ashley said.

"Mm. Okay. Well… I'm 24... Aaaaand… I'm an only child… I have a daughter…"

"A… a daughter?"

"Yeah."

"Out of wedlock, I presume? I don't see a ring on your finger…"

"No, I was married."

"Oh, what happened?"

"Yeah… he died…"

"Oh…" Ashley said, letting out a chuckle. This prompted Molly to start laughing a bit, too.

"Wow…" Molly said. "But yeah, she's my little angel… I'm just so glad Mom offered to take care of her. She wasn't exactly supportive of my relationship with Brian, but… she's helping me out a lot now."

"Good to hear…"

"Anyway… what about yourself?"

"Eh, pretty normal life, really… well, the first… seventeen years or so. Past few months haven't been great…"

"Oh really? What happened?"

"Let's see… my sister committed suicide, I was institutionalized for severe clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, _and_ the CD I was looking for at the mall before I flew here was out of stock." The two of them let out a small laugh again.

"Why are we laughing?" Molly asked.

"I don't know… it's the same thing with the 'your husband died' thing…"

"Yeah… sorry to hear that, anyway…"

"Yeh, well… we all go through some tough times… some handle it better than others…"

"And you're here now! Which is awesome."

"Yeah… and so are you…"

"Uh huh… I wouldn't have been here, but then I realized all the people at Pencey Prep are phonies."

"Huh?"

"I used to go to Pencey Prep before I went here. But everybody there was so goddam phony, I couldn't stand it… I just had to get out of there…"

"Interesting…"

"Yeah… you're really glad you didn't go there; trust me. Way too much phoniness."

"Well… I… have to be honest, I really don't care."

Molly laughed. "That's alright."

"Yeah…"

"So…" Molly said, acting as if she was trying to avoid speaking about something, "uh…"

"Yes?" Ashley asked, perfectly aware of what she was about to ask.

"About your, uh… sister…"

"The dead one, I presume?"

"…yeah…"

"What can I say? She made her choice…"

"Hm… wait, you mean you have another sister?"

"Yeah… Keely. She's 16."

"Keely?"

"Yeah… I know what you're thinking; what kind of name is Keely?"

"Right…"

"I should be talking…" Ashley said, rolling her eyes. "Anyway… Keely's… she's a bit of a social butterfly, really. She was more social before she met Phil… now she spends a lot of her time with him…"

"Ooh, Phil? Boyfriend?"

"Yep… he just kind of came out of nowhere, too. It's like he fell out of the sky…" Ashley frowned as she tried to remember where Phil had said he was from. "But that's not important right now," she said, mustering a smile. "I mean… a lot of her friends just seem to come up out of nowhere… like Via and Owen…"

"Who are they?"

"Via… I think her real name is Olivia… anyway, she's basically the only one in her little circle of friends that always thinks logically… as for Owen… he's just a rebel without a clue."

"Ah…"

"It's obvious that Owen really likes Via, but… he's really…" Ashley searched for the right word.

"Creepy?"

Ashley tilted her head to one side. "Eh, he's just a hooligan. Can't really describe it well…"

"Eh. I think we all know guys like Owen…"

"I think we do, too…"

"Anyway… what about you? What about your family?"

"It's basically my parents, my daughter… oh, and my brother and his wife and daughter…"

"Oh. Well that's… that's, uh…"

"Interesting?"

"No, not really," Ashley said.

"Didn't think so." Checking the clock, Molly added, "Eh, guess I'd better be going now… see you later, Ashley."

Molly headed to the door, when it opened in front of her, revealing a 5'10", brown-haired guy in his early 20's. "Oh, I'm sorry…" he said, while Molly walked around him, not bothering to close the door behind her, "I must have the wrong… room…"

"New here, huh?" Ashley asked, moving a desk away from the window.

"Yeah… do you know where room 217 is?"

"Um… no, sorry," Ashley said, looking up at him. "I'm new here, too, so… and Molly just left, so…"

"I'm sorry?" the man asked, looking up from the sheet of paper in his hand.

"Nothing," Ashley responded.

"Oh… anyway, sorry to bother you…" he said, heading to the door.

"No problem," she said. After he left, she walked over to her bed, collapsed on top of it, and slept for a few hours.

* * *

**I really… rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreally don't like this chapter… it might seem a bit weird to you, but I'm high as a kite on medicine, trying to fight off this illness… The things I do for my readers… anyway, enough of my ramblings. Just review, okay? **


	18. I Won't Say

**I gave myself a damn headache writing this chapter... I really need to finish this story. It's started to take its toll on my health...**

* * *

"Dammit, Keely, open the door!" Via shouted, pounding on the front door to Keely's house. She heard light footsteps heading towards the door. It was 35 degrees Fahrenheit outside, unusually cold for southern California, even in mid-December. 

"Took you long enough," Via said, walking past Keely.

"Good afternoon to you, too," Keely said, sarcastically.

"What are you up to, anyway?" Via asked, a bit irritated.

"Just checking my e-mail…"

"Mm…"

"Hey, I got something from Ashley," Keely said, smiling.

"Oh really?" Via walked over to read over Keely's shoulder.

_Keely--_

_Sorry I wasn't able to get on here the past few days. Things are a bit crazy over here…_

_Hey, glad to hear you and Phil are still doing good. You got to see TOOL? You have no idea how jealous I am of you. Really. I probably would've snapped your neck if you were right next to me when you said you were going. Literally._

_I'm sorry; I believe I had something crazy fly into my eye when I was reading this. You said Via and Owen are still going out? Is that right? I'm sorry. No offense to Via, but I just don't understand how that's possible. Oh, and no offense to Owen, either… I guess… I don't know._

_Anyway, Keely, it snowed up here yesterday. Can you believe it? Do you even know what snow IS? I know we've lived down there in Pickford for all your life, so I'm not sure if you're entirely aware of what it is. It's weird seeing it snow, though. I don't know how to describe it, just that it was weird. Maybe you'll find out one day. You can't possibly live in Pickford all your life…_

_What else…? Oh yeah, I met some of Molly's family the other day… well, her daughter and her niece, anyway. Her daughter, Marcee… she must be only about four or five. She's so adorable… It's like looking at a young version of Via, almost. It really is…_

"That's a scary thought," Keely said, chuckling. Via slapped her on the back of the head.

…_As for her niece, Charlotte… she reminds me of one of my old friends I used to have, but moved away. I really miss her… It's funny, though. I hadn't even really thought of that old friend (Rebecca was her name) for a long time until I met Charlotte. Then I started to wonder who she reminded me of. And it hit me last night. You remember Rebecca, right? I used to go to her house all the time when I was your age… then she just moved away one day… funny. I can't even remember where she moved to. I don't even really remember where she moved from, for that matter…_

_Anyway… you know that guy I told you about a while ago, that guy that couldn't find his room on the first day I was here? I'm almost positive he likes me… I mean, since we're taking one of the same courses, we'll sometimes run into each other and work with each other and whatnot… just the way he acts… it's pretty obvious he likes me. And he's a nice guy and all, Keely, but… I don't know. Maybe I'm just dwelling too much in the past? It's not like I don't like him… it's just… ugh. It's complicated._

_Speaking of that… that's pretty weird that you got that letter from Alex… especially considering that it's been over half a year. Just tell him I don't live there anymore, and tell him that he has to live with what he did. I can't forgive him. That's something he'll have to learn. Weird… weird stuff._

_Anyway… I guess that's probably it for now. Tell everybody I said hello. And tell Via she can do better…_

_Don't actually tell her that. It was a joke. I know you probably will anyway, though… Anyway, that's all for now! Talk to you soon._

_-Ashley_

"Your sister is mad," Via said, walking to the other side of the counter where Keely was sitting with her laptop, and sitting down.

"Oh, but I don't want to go among the mad people," Keely said, opening up a new window to reply to the message she'd just received.

"Oh, we're all mad, here, Keely. I'm mad. Your sister's mad. You're mad."

"But how do you know I'm mad?"

"It's simple. If you weren't mad, you wouldn't be here."

Keely laughed. "And you say I'm crazy…"

"So… what do you think of Molly? Has she told you much about her?"

"I think she's just as crazy as you say I am," Keely replied, typing away.

"Interesting…"

"But, she's givin' my sister company, so…"

"So is that Max fellow."

"Yeah, him too… he seems like a nice guy. Like Phil."

"Oh, please, not again…" Via muttered, knowing what was coming next.

"Phil's great… maybe I should call him…" Keely tapped her chin as she looked to the ceiling.

"Oh, don't, okay? For my sake?"

Keely ignored her and eyed the phone. "I think I will… but I need to finish this, first," she decided, and typed away furiously.

"Could you hold off on calling him? I just got here," Via said, leaning back in the chair she was sitting in.

"I know…" Heaving a sigh, Keely added, "Fine, maybe I'll call him later."

"Great," Via said, folding her hands behind her head. "Uh-oh…"

"Uh-oh" was right. Via had leaned too far back in the chair, and fell backwards to the ground.

"Careful, those chairs are expensive," Keely muttered, clearly not interested in what had just happened.

"I'm fine, thanks for asking," Via muttered, picking herself up off the floor.

"Glad to hear it."

"So… do you think that Ashley's going to start to like Max?"

"Mmhmm," Keely said in a distracted tone.

"…do you think they're going to hook up in the next few months?"

"Mmhmm…"

Via noticed that Keely wasn't paying attention to what she was saying.

"Would it be okay with you if I had sex with Phil on your bed?"

"Mmhmm…"

Via slapped Keely in the back of the head. "Oww! What was that for?"

"You weren't listening to me."

"Whatever, Via, I--" Realizing just what Via had said, Keely got up and said, "I'm telling Owen."

"No! Keely, don't."

A brief silence… "You really like him, don't you?"

"Keely…"

"You _love_ him! Oh, this is so good, it just _has_ to be fattening. I'm telling everyone."

"_Keely…_"

"Via and Owen, sittin' in a tree! Eff, you, see--"

"Alright, that's enough!"

"I don't believe it," Keely said, typing away again. "You love _Owen…_"

"I do not _love_ Owen!"

"Face it, Via. You fell for him. You fell for him and those deep blue eyes of his."

"See? He has brown eyes!"

"Ah. I'm sorry. But you're only backing my point up further by saying things like that."

"Come on, Via. Denying your love isn't healthy…"

"Neither is me shoving my foot halfway up your--"

"What's that?"

"Nothing… nothing at all…"

* * *

**Well. Whatever. I need to go take something for this headache. Review, okay? Complain about the headache I'm sure I gave you...  
**


	19. Believe

**Hm… so I'm going to kill this story (hopefully) soon. The travesty's gone on long enough. I have to end it, as soon as possible.

* * *

**

_March 25, 2007_

_Keely-_

_Hey, there! And happy birthday! See, I didn't forget? I've only been your sister for practically all your life, right? How am I going to forget? So, you're seventeen, eh? Seventeen… those were some good times, I'll tell you._

_The weirdest thing happened to me the other day, Keely. I was sitting alone in the library down the street from here, just trying to get away from all the noise, right? Well, I was towards the back… in this corner, see? Well, there's a few tables, and they're kind of boxed in, in a way. On two sides of them, the west and north sides, are the walls of the library. On the east and south sides are bookshelves, so it almost makes this 30 by 30 foot square area, capiche? Well… anyway, I was sitting there, alone, looking over a book… when I could've sworn I heard somebody call my name. So I look up, but nobody's around. I just assume it was nothing, and I keep reading. When I hear the voice again, I decide to tentatively call out, to see if anyone's there. No answer. So, it happened a third time, and I got up. And there was nobody behind the shelves, nobody even near me. I'm guessing it's just somebody from here playing a prank on me, but it sure didn't feel like that, Keely. I can't describe it… _

_Do you know that feeling you get when you think people are watching you? That's the feeling I got in there. It was slightly unnerving… I couldn't shake it. Even though there was obviously nobody there, I still felt like they were watching me. I don't know who "they" are, but… I felt like there was somebody there. Like if it was dead quiet, I would have been able to hear them breathing. It scared me, Keely._

_I still don't know what to do about Max, Keely. I mean, he's a sweet guy, really… but it's just so hard for me, you know? No… no you don't. You have Phil… but it's just so… ugh. I don't really expect you to understand. I think, against my better judgment, that I'm starting to subconsciously grow attached to him. Maybe something will happen soon... I guess time will tell.  
_

_A few nights ago, I dreamed of Bonnie. It was weird… it was like, I knew she was dead, but… she was acting like she was alive. And it almost seemed like she knew that she was dead… but she was acting just like she used to. And it wasn't like a nightmare, either. It was just like… a normal dream…_

…_Upon seeing your contact information on my laptop, Molly said that she has a cousin that lives in Pickford. Jacie Weaver, I think she said her name was… at 1489 Marron Way. Huh. Small world, eh?_

_Uh… dammit. I had something important to tell you, but I forgot… well, I'll let you know if I remember._

_-Ashley_

_PS - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were missing…_

Ashley sighed and hit "send". A knock at the door sounded, and she got up to answer it.

"Hey, Max," she said, upon seeing him standing outside the door.

"Hey," he said, "just thought I'd stop by… see if you were up to anything…"

"Oh, no… nothing really. Uh, come on in…"

"So, just relaxing then?" Max asked, as he walked in. "Taking advantage of the break?"

"You know it," Ashley said, shutting the door behind him. "Just finished writin' an email to my sister… and now… just gonna relaaaaaaaaaax…" She collapsed on a chair, and sighed. She thought again about the person calling her name in the library. The feeling she got from it was just frightening.

Eventually coming back into reality, she looked at Max. "I never told you about my sister, did I, Max?"

"I'm sorry?" he said, jumping from his stupor.

"Did I ever tell you about my sister?"

"Oh, Keely? Yeah, I know a bit about her…"

"No, not Keely…"

"Oh… you have another sister?"

"Well… I think _had_ would be a better term to use…"

"Why's that?"

"Well…" Ashley muttered, "she kind of… she kind of committed suicide… but… but that's not what I was going to say… see, I dreamed about her last night… only she was alive. And she was acting normal… but it was like we both knew that she was dead… The weird thing is, I didn't _feel_ anything when I woke up. I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel afraid… I just felt…"

"Flat?" Max suggested.

"Yeah… I don't know why I didn't tell you about her earlier… maybe I just didn't want to… maybe I just didn't feel like I could…"

"Well what would make you feel that way?"

"I don't know… probably Alex… I told you about Alex, right?"

"Yeah," Max replied, remembering Ashley mentioning her ex-boyfriend on a few occasions.

"Right… I guess I just… I don't know. I can't figure out what I'm thinking… Too much on my mind, I guess…"

A brief moment of silence followed, before Ashley spoke up again.

"I mean, it's not like I have anything against _you_, personally… I mean, you're a nice guy… and I know that you like me… and I like you, too, but it's just that… it's so hard for me…"

Max nodded slowly, and said, " 'More persons, on the whole, are humbugged by believing in nothing, than by believing too much.' …"

"Who said that?" Ashley asked, after a second.

"P. T. Barnum."

"Huh…"

"So, believe, Ashley! Believe in yourself. Believe that there's something better out there. Believe that somewhere in the world, a great new mystery or wonderful discovery is waiting. Believe in Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, and that dinosaurs still roam in the hidden valleys of South America and Africa. Believe in unicorns, pixies, and other mythical creatures… they probably dance in your backyard just before dawn. Believe in a thing called love, and believe that dreams really can come true!"

"Didn't P. T. Barnum also write, 'There's a sucker born every minute'?"

"Oh, thanks for ruining my nice thought with your cynicism…" Max said, shaking his head. "Anyway… I've heard that, but I've also heard that it isn't true…"

"Oh… sorry for ruining your little moment, there…"

"You're forgiven, Ash. Know why? Because I believe in you."

"Which makes me want to believe in myself more!" Ashley laughed. "…you know… maybe you're right… maybe I should believe in myself more… and maybe I should believe in you more…" She looked up at him, and smiled. "Maybe I should just believe…"

Max smiled back at her.

_**I'm stuck just like a pig  
Roasting in your eyes  
I believe anything that you want  
You gotta teach me how to live  
'Cause you make me wanna die  
You took it all, now you're all I've got…**_

**_Words of wisdom from your tyrant mouth  
Words of wisdom from your tyrant mouth…

* * *

_**

**"Tyrant" - The Bravery**

** So... yeah, just drop a review, or... yeah.  
**


	20. Die Leiden des jungen Teslow

**Whoa... short-ass chapter. Sorry...**

- - -

A few weeks went by without any word from Ashley. Keely began to grow a bit worried until she saw a message from her in her inbox on the afternoon of April 12.

_Keely-_

_Sorry I haven't been able to write lately- really distracted lately. _

_That's weird that there's no 1489 Marron Way… I guess Molly must've gotten something wrong, then._

_I haven't been feeling good lately. Not like physically ill or anything like that. Just a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't get rid of._

_Sometimes I wonder why I think the things I do. It's not like me. But sometimes these thoughts just pop randomly into my head. More often than not, though, I'm consciously thinking about them. I find myself consciously wondering about stuff like death. Sometimes it doesn't seem all that bad to me._

_I'm scared, Keely. I'm fucking scared._

_I don't know, Keely._

_Just seem lost today. Out of my element. Sorry._

_-Ashley_

That night, Max went over to Ashley's to drop off her notebook he'd borrowed.

After a knock sounded through the room, Molly called out, "You gonna get that?"

Ashley rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not gonna get that…" she muttered, looking at the various bottles of pills on the counter in the bathroom.

Molly sighed. "Ashley…" she said, having not heard her answer. "Where are you…?"

Ashley just laughed, as she slid down against the wall into a sitting position.

"Dammit, Ashley…" Molly saw that the bathroom light was on, and stalked over there. "Ashley, I…"

Molly's eyes moved from the counter, where several bottles of medicine lay opened, to Ashley, sitting on the floor, laughing. She put two and two together, and promptly panicked.

Meanwhile, Max, who was growing tired of waiting outside, decided to try the door. Finding that it was unlocked, he let himself in and put the notebook down on a table near the window.

"Ashley, why? I--"

"Get out, Molly," Ashley spat.

"You--"

Ashley, fed up with her roommate, flung a mirror at her. She ducked, and the mirror slammed into the wall. The noise caught the attention of Max, who headed down to the bathroom to see what happened. "Ashley?" he called out.

"Max?" Ashley snapped up.

He walked in, and just as Molly had done earlier, he looked at the pills on the counter to Ashley on the floor in the corner of the room.

"Holy shit…" he muttered. He didn't even bother to pay attention to Molly, much to Ashley's confusion. Doing the thing that first came to his mind, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1.

A few short moments later, he came over to Ashley and knelt down beside her. "Oh… Ashley…"

"Why… did you do that?" she asked.

"Why did I do what?"

"_Why the fuck did you call an ambulance_?" she demanded.

"I… I couldn't just leave you here… leave you to die…"

"Well, what if that was what I wanted? I could've sworn I locked that damn door…"

"Ashley, you're not thinking rationally…"

"Of course I am," she spat. "Do you think I just decided to do this on the spur of the moment? Dammit… maybe Molly unlocked the door."

"Ashley, wh--"

"No. Just… ugh…" She shook her head, trying to shake the feeling of nausea that was coming on. "I don't want to hear it…"

---

Whilst watching _The Ring_ on DVD, Keely jumped when the phone in her house rang.

_It's only a movie_, she reminded herself, and plucked up the courage to pick up the phone.

"Hello?" she answered it, a bit worried.

"Uh, hello… is this Keely?" Max asked from the other end.

"Yeah…"

"Is your mom up?"

"She's actually in town right now… she'll be back in probably half an hour or so…"

"Oh… oh, okay, I'll tell you then…"

"Tell me what?"

"Um… it's about your sister… well, she's in the hospital."

"What?"

"I found her in her room… she overdosed…"

"Wh… do they know if she's going to be alright?"

"I haven't heard anything…"

"Was it intentional?" Keely asked, fearing the answer.

Max paused for a while. "Yeah," he said, shaking his head.

"Oh my God… so… you just found her in her room? Well… what about her roommate?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Her roommate… wasn't she there?"

"Roommate?"

"Yeah… ugh, what's her name… Molly Groves!"

"Ashley doesn't have a roommate…" Max said, frowning.

"Doesn't… have…" Keely tried to wrap her mind around what he was saying. "Of course she does! Molly Groves… she always writes about her…"

"Sorry, Keely, but Ashley lives alone here… look, my battery is low, so I'll call back if I hear anything, okay?"

"Yeah, sure…" Keely muttered, distantly.

- - -

**Well fuck. I had written up a nice long note to the end of this chapter, but this damned site just decides to erase it. Thanks a lot.**

**Anyway... this document manager is acting the fool. That's alright. I can live with that, I suppose.**

**But... yeah, I'm quite aware that this chapter is awful. But, it's been a while since I updated, so I figured that I had to put something out there. Just haven't been able to do much, lately. Eh, whatever, this is quite possibly the last story you'll ever see from me, anyway. Hm. Maybe I'll rewrite this chapter someday, just so it doesn't suck so bad. But yeah... uh... dammit. I can't remember what else I said. Oh yeah. I plan to finish this story before I have to go back to school. Jeez... school just needs to die, already.  
**


	21. Under Pressure

**Hm... I can see that bug still has yet to be fixed. And what is up with this new layout? It's unleashing all hell on my computer.**

---

Keely nervously approached her sister, who was sitting at a table, looking straight back at her. After hearing of Ashley's hospitalization, Mandy and Keely made an unplanned trip north to Stockton. They ended up driving north, in separate cars, so that they could leave Ashley's car in Stockton with her, as per her request.

"Hey, Ashley," Keely said, trying to hide her nervousness.

"Hey, Keely," Ashley returned, though in a rather somber tone. "How've you been?"

"Uh… can't complain, really," Keely replied, nervously looking around.

Ashley let out a cold laugh. "No, I guess you can't. I've got to tell you, Keely, of all the places I pictured myself at age 19, a mental hospital was not one of them.

"Schizophrenia, Keely. How the hell did I get schizophrenia?"

Keely stammered. "I… I, I don't know… the doctors said--"

"Doctors… I don't want to hear anything from the doctors anymore. So they think I got it because I was stressed. So they think I was likely to get it from my past history with mental illness. Big deal! What do they know? They just examine us, ask us questions, and from their little tests and scans, they can tell what's wrong with us? They can figure out the inner workings of my mind by just a few tests? They pretend to know what they're talking about, they can slap on their little labels and say everything's fine and dandy, but do they really know? Is it really possible to find out just what is going on in everybody's head here? Of course it isn't…"

"Okay… sorry…"

"No need to be sorry. You're not the one trying to figure it out…"

"Oh…"

"You remember the time I told you about the person calling my name in the library, right? When nobody was around?"

"Yeah, of course."

"That was just one of the voices… at least, that's what the doctors say. Hell, I guess I agree with them, even."

"One of the voices… wait, one of them? Like, there's more?"

"Yeah… I guess that was the first time I had an auditory hallucination. The so-called experts say that it's odd I had visual hallucinations first, but whatever…"

"So Molly's just--"

"Complete fabrication," Ashley said, leaning back in her chair, her black hair falling in front of her face, hiding her black eyes.

"Oh…" Keely looked around, trying to find a topic to talk about.

"She's sitting next to you right now."

Keely straightened up. "What?"

"Molly. She's sitting right next to you…"

"Oh…" Looking at her sister's expression, Keely felt sorry for her.

"The doctors say that with treatment, these visions will stop… that is, if they're completely successful… but I don't care…"

"What? Why not?"

"Keely… it's like sending away my best friend…" Ashley said, glancing to Keely's right side. I mean, you may not be able to see her, but I've known Molly for a while now…over a year… she's one of my best friends… she may not be real to you, or to anybody else, but she's real to _me_, Keely… she's _real _to me… and they're just going to try and send her away… like being forced to watch a friend move away at any time, and not having anything to say about it… but I guess you'll never understand what I'm talking about…"

"I'll understand more than you'll never know…" Keely muttered.

"What's that?"

"Nothing…"

Ashley sighed and sat back. She was about to speak up when the intercom turned on. "Attention, please. Will the owner of a lime-green Volkswagen beetle please move your car away from the entrance of the hospital? Your car is not being cited, your car is not being towed. Your car is just really, _really_ ugly."

"Ooh… _some_body has bad taste… wait… is Phil here, too?" Ashley asked.

"Oh, oh ouch…" Keely said. "C'mon… Phil knows better than that…"

"Yeah, but he was crazy enough to go out with you. BA-ZINGG!"

Keely just shook her head and laughed. "Alright, a point for you…"

"Damn straight…"

Keely smiled. "I don't know why I was so nervous to come here…"

"You were… nervous?"

"Sure was."

"Huh…"

"I don't know… I guess I shouldn't have been… but I was… not sure why…"

"Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm in a sanitarium?"

"Maybe…"

Ashley let out a cold laugh. Keely shivered. That laugh scared her. It sounded so… so _dead_ to her. Completely unlike how her laugh used to be… it frightened her.

"I've got to say, Keely, some people, it's pretty obvious why they're here. But some of these people seem so normal to me, I can't understand what they're doing here. Of course, then again, I used to meet people all the time at work that I'd like to throw in here, so… yeah. I don't know. But it's nothing to be nervous about…"

"Right…"

Ashley switched her focus to a spot two feet above Keely's head. Keely frowned and turned around. "What are you looking at?"

"You mean you _don't_ see that six-foot-tall bunny rabbit behind you?"

Keely turned back around, a concerned look on her face. Ashley just burst out into that same, cold laughter. "Relax, Keely. Just messing with ya."

"That's not funny…" Keely muttered.

"Lighten up, Keels. This is a sanitarium. Not a funeral."

"Oh, right. _So_ much cheerier…" she said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, well, at least I have a chance of getting out of here alive… not exactly where I pictured myself when I was your age."

"I guess…"

Ashley sighed. "They say that my little suicide attempt was because of the illness… apparently, they think that that's causing me to become depressed, and that's why I tried to do it…"

"Do you think they're right?"

"I don't know what to think, Keely… I mean, even if it was, I'm not really happy right now. Sure, I'm not depressed like I was, but it's only chemical happiness, Keely. It's not _real_. It's about as real as Molly or Frank… Is that really going to end up doing any good in the long run? My chemical happiness is supposed to keep me from doing anything brash? Is that it?"

"Come on… they'll give you them until the disease stops eating away at you…"

"And what if the disease never does quit? Hmm? What then?"

"Well, I guess you'd just have to take it for life… I mean, would that really be any worse than dying?"

"Sometimes I wonder…"

---

**Argh, I hate, HATE when my internet acts the fool... **

**Dammit. Gotta headache again. Dunno why, but I haven't been feeling great at about this time for the past few days. Weirdest frickin' thing…**


	22. I'm Not Okay

**Would've updated sooner, but go figure, the goddam site was down. Whatever. This happens to me every time.**

**--- **

_October 31, 2007_

_Keely-_

_Thanks for sending those CDs… after spending all those months locked up in the dungeon they call a psychiatric hospital, it's nice to actually have something to listen to. And I mean that. I would've gladly listened to a country CD after getting out. No joke._

_Anyway… I guess I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking. But taking these pills… ugh. It's a bitch, Keely, I'll be honest with you. It's a total pain in the ass. I mean, I wouldn't mind so much if they actually worked… well… I guess they work. I mean, the hallucinations don't happen as often… but still… I guess I should stop complaining. I've got a long, winding road laid out ahead of me._

_Jeez, you talking about everything going on there is making me miss everybody even more. Aw… can't say I didn't see it coming, but still a little sad to hear that she and Owen broke up. They were just so cute together. Oh well. All good things must come to an end. But yeah, you're making me sad by telling me all about what's going on… and speaking of sad, you remember the song they played at Bonnie's funeral? I heard it the other day. About forty-five minutes later, I was finally able to stop crying._

_Life is an infinitely disturbing and annoying thing, Keely. No, I haven't been having any thoughts of ending mine, but I do have many thoughts of how much it's infinitely perturbing me. I absolutely hate it. Some of us are lucky. Some of us have very few obstructions in our lives, very few indeed. Then there are those of us who are stuck with a life full of obstacles and hurdles. I dunno, Keely. I can only jump so many hurdles until I fall. Fate is cruel, if you believe in that sort of thing._

_Speaking of cruelty… yeah, everybody's acting differently around me now. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how they figured out. I guess word spreads quickly around here. They pretend that they still like me, but I know they make fun of me behind my back. It's not that I'm upset over the fact that they mock me (I mean anybody as immature as them would), but the fact that they do it behind my back just makes me want to knock them to the ground and step on their throats with my stiletto heels… and of course, they treat me differently now. Again, can't blame them, but it's frustrating. I'm still me… you seemed to realize that (eventually, I might add…)… but I guess people here are idiots._

_Alright, I'm going to go into song lyric mode: don't panic._

_Vide le lucci in mezzo al mare  
Pensò alle notti là in America  
Ma erano solo le lampare  
E la bianca scìa di un'elica_

_It's from an old song, Keely. Just came to me. I know you don't know Italian, so here's what it means: "He saw the lights in the middle of the sea / He thought of the nights there in America / But it was just the boat lights / And the white trail of a propeller."_

_That's one of my favorite songs, Keely. The whole thing is great, I love the orchestration, I love the melody, I love the story it tells… I just love everything about it. It's so powerful… but I particularly enjoy that stanza. Just take a minute out of your day to think about that stanza, Keely. I just love symbolism._

_Anyway… it's getting late here. Time to take my meds (ya-hoo…) and hit the sack. Later, Keely._

_-Ash_

---

"She said that there was a group of about four of them," Keely said, slowly walking back and forth across her bedroom.

"And they did what, again, exactly?" Phil asked, tossing a tennis ball against the wall.

"Well, she said that they started laughing when she downed her medication… then they started to mock her, I guess is what she said… making fun of her disorder and stuff like that. I mean, they didn't like, physically attack her or anything, just..."

"That's… messed up," Phil said, still tossing the tennis ball.

"Would you stop with the goddam tennis ball? You're gonna break something!"

"Did they do anything else?"

"Not really… just made fun of her, is what she said. Even when she picked up her books and walked away, one of them followed her for a bit, making fun of the way she walks… what kind of low-life would do something like that?"

"The way she… walks?"

Keely sighed. "When she was my age, she screwed up her left leg pretty bad, and now she has a bit of a limp because of it. Not a Greg House limp, but it's noticeable."

"Oh…" Phil said, then resumed tossing the ball against the wall.

"She said I shouldn't worry about it, since they're just a bunch of idiots, but her tone of voice… I dunno. She just sounded pretty saddened by the whole thing, even though she said it didn't affect her."

"Well, for some reason, we always care what other people think about us… love it or shove it."

Keely shook her head, smirking. "I guess so… And stop throwing the tennis ball, willya?"

"So she just hung up, then? Why didn't you ask if she wanted to talk to me?"

"She's actually still on the phone… she's just talking to Mom right now…"

In fact, Ashley was relating to her mother the story Keely had been telling to Phil.

"…but, I'm alright. I don't really care what a group of idiots thinks about me, Mom… I'm above that…" Mandy smiled at this, remembering when she told her daughter, then about 8 years old, that those kinds of people weren't worth the trouble.

Ashley sighed. "Listen, I'd better go soon, but I've got a question for you, Mom…"

"What is it, honey?" Mandy asked.

"…I'm not going to ask why all these bad things have to happen to me… I can accept that this is the path I'm taking, whether it's by choice or fate… or some other force, but…" She heaved another deep sigh, and seemed to have a bit of difficulty getting together what she wanted to say. Then, in a voice full of self-loathing, she asked, "How does it feel, knowing your daughter is a raving lunatic?"

A brief pause ensued before her mother responded, "I love it…"

A longer silence came, before Ashley spoke up again. "Right. Well, bye then…"

From the tone of Ashley's voice, it was clear that she was crying as she said that last sentence, though Mandy couldn't tell why she was crying.

---

**Ugh. I was up late finishing this one, and I couldn't even upload it. Oh well. I should've figured that would've happened...  
**


	23. Desert Song

**Damn site thinks it can just have its little errors and stop me from uploading. Well well, look who managed to upload anyway. Eat that, FFNet.**

**---  
**

Ashley lay face-down on her bed on a day in mid-March, a week before her sister Keely's birthday.

It was a Tuesday, the second week of spring break, though Ashley hadn't attended any of her classes in the three days leading up to spring break. She dismissed this fact by merely stating she was feeling terribly sick, and didn't feel well enough to go out at all.

It wasn't a complete lie; after all, she really didn't want to go out. And she certainly didn't feel well enough to do so. However, the flu-like symptoms that she had invented were not the cause for her staying locked up in her room.

Despite the hours spent at the ward, despite the countless visits to the doctor, and despite the numerous pills she'd taken, she just seemed to be making no progress whatsoever. Some days were nearly hallucination-free, but other days she couldn't properly think without another voice jumping into her head. The longer it stayed in her, the more this sickness ate away at her.

She was a complete wreck. During the two weeks she had been locked in her room, she'd isolated herself. Whenever a friend stopped over, she would only open the door, poke her head out the door, say a quick hello, and send them on their way. The only other regular company she had was Molly, though she was trying to thoroughly ignore her.

She couldn't sleep, because her pillow was too wet. The dark, silent nights allowed her to imagine things with less distraction. This of course, furthered her lack of sleep during the nights, and was only fueling the fire.

Ashley sighed, wiped her eyes, and went over to her notebook. She tore out a sheet of paper, a pen, and began to write.

_Max-_

_I've been miserable these past two weeks, though I'm sure you're already aware of this. You're sharp. Nothing much gets past you._

_Staying locked up In a room does a lot to the way you think, Max. You'd be surprised. You really would._

_I'm told every so often that I don't care about anything, but is that really so wrong? Or is it even not caring when you just accept things for what they are? Why can't people understand that I do care, but more often than not, I just choose not to show it, or I accept the things that change? Why do they all expect me to react? Why can't they just leave me alone? What are these motives that drive us, as a species? What conditions are acceptable for severing personal connections? To what extent can the word 'loyalty' be taken into context? What is our meaning?_

_I want to say 1,000 things, but I am unable to. I want to be heard, but I'm not loud enough. I want to be the best, but I ultimately end up failing in every respect. I strive to work harder, but that just drains me, and causes me to work less. I try to see the answer, but I can't see anything through this shroud of darkness encircling me. Questions left unanswered, because nobody can hear me. I'm buried in a mass pit of blackness, trapped in by myself, by my own mind._

_Even my dreams long to attain the unattainable, to explain the inexplicable. But they also end up fueling the fire. I often dream of Bonnie. She is the spectre that haunts my reoccurring nightmares. She is the part of me I lost along the way. She is an angel, and a demon. She is a forlorn compassion. I constantly wish she was here just so I could have another person to talk to. Sometimes, I wonder how much different my life would be if she was still alive. Would I be mentally ill, as I am now? Would I be as miserable? Mind you, I'm not blaming her for this, but I'm just lost and confused. It's just that I feel like I lost everything when she left us. Again, I don't blame her for this, and I don't blame her for anything else, for that matter, but she's not making this easy. All I have of her are memories… and it kills me, Max. _

_My longing for her to be among us leads me to another thought: why must we always want things we cannot have? We always imagine the perfect situation that would come along with it if we would just get what we desire. And while I do wish she was alive again, I know that will just never happen. And I know I'll never see her again in this world. Perhaps though, this mystery and knowledge that something is out of our reach makes us try harder to reach these goals we so desperately yearn to reach. After all, the moon was out of the reach of the human race for thousands of years. And yet, there were people who dedicated their lives to studying it, despite the fact that it was merely a worthless rock floating out there in the void of space. _

_They looked out at that moon, and they wanted to learn more about it. So they dedicated their time. They tried. Sometimes I wonder, Why do I try? Sometimes I think, Am I good enough? Do I deserve what I have, what I get? The answer to all my questions is not a good one, nor is it complicated._

_Sometimes, we must face these trials and tribulations, and answer the questions for ourselves. The answer is unchanging. You may never live up to your own expectations, or anyone else's, for that matter. Even though the answer isn't what you want, it can still be fixed. You have the power to let go, and to dream. Nobody is able to take your dreams away from you. Then again, you will soon wake up, and the dreams end. Reality sets in, and you must face the harsh, cruel world. _

_In the end, does it really matter? _

_The answer is not always the same. It usually is, and when the answer is no, you must accept that and move on. Once everything is said and done, you can dream._

_And nobody is able to take that away. Nobody._

_I know I'll see Bonnie in any dreams I may have. I know that will only make me more miserable, knowing I'll never be able to actually be with her again._

_And yet, I found a comfort in falling asleep, because it brings me closer to her._

_The stars aren't out tonight, but, we're not out to look up at them._

_-Ashley_

Ashley smiled, and thought '…_think I'll write something to Keely_…'

---

**So, yeah, as I said earlier, I couldn't upload any new content to the site. Document Manager was down again. But dammit, I stayed up until 4:52 in the morning, and I'm sure as hell not going to wait until tomorrow to post it.  
**


	24. Head Club

_March 18, 2008_

_Dear Keely_

_I'm sorry I haven't written to you in so long. I would probably be e-mailing this to you on any other day, but I can't get the internet on my laptop to work. I'm still typing it onto my computer, just in case the internet starts working by the time I finish it. I really don't feel like writing this whole thing out by hand. …I guess I may have to, though._

_I was in the library a few weeks ago when a quote came to mind. "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." Know who said that, Keely? Oscar Wilde. Ask Via about him; she's smart. I'm sure she knows all about him. I don't know why I thought of that quote, Keely. I really don't. But it spoke to me. Remember how you thought Bonnie was being selfish by doing what she did, Keely? She wasn't. You're the selfish one for wanting her to live a life she just wanted to escape. Hard to swallow, I know. But it's true._

_Sometimes I go to the park and feed the birds. It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. I find that it lets me take my mind off all of the dissonance, even if only for a while. I think it helps my mind to sort of bridge this schism inside of it. I'll see parents with their kids, couples, young and old, and people with their pets. Sometimes, I expect our old dogs Saint and Bandit to come running up to me. I know they've been dead for four years now, but sometimes, I find myself thinking that I wouldn't be surprised to see them bounding towards me. I miss those dogs so much… I hope that wherever they are, they're happy and making new friends._

_I've been meaning to ask you a question for a while, Keely. I just haven't got around to it. But I suppose I can ask you now: At what point does fantasy become reality? …Looking at that question written out seems a little awkward. In case you don't understand what I'm asking you, I'll rephrase it: At what point do you become so immersed in a particular fantasy that the line between it and reality is no longer corporeal? This has been plaguing me for the past few months, and I just don't know what to make of it. I guess it's just the way things have been going for me. It seems like sorrow is sinking into me again, Keely. It's been that way ever since I got here. Maybe that's coming from the schizophrenia._

_It's unbearable, Keely. I hate it. I hate the therapy, I hate the visions, and I hate taking the medicine. I know they said it would take a lot of time and effort, but it seems like they're only getting worse. I can't ignore them. Even if I tried, they wouldn't let me. Do you want to know something Molly said to me? She said to me, "Demons from the past can torment you, yes. I won't deny that, Ashley. But they can also set you free." I think she wants to help me, Keely. I don't think she wants me to be in this kind of pain. But the doctors say that she's just an illusion. A phantom. That there's no real reason she says the things she does, other than the fact that it may be something from my subconscious. But Keely, I think she wants to help me. And the only thing holding her back is me._

_I'm sorry… this letter is all over the place… I don't even think I'll send this to you. Are you there at all? Do you care at all?_

_I can't believe how quickly things move here. It's like the world just decided to get itself in a damn hurry. You remember Max? He's working to help pay his way through college. I have to tell you, Keely, I'm so glad I got that scholarship, because there is no way I would've been able to handle work, shattered mind or not. Sometimes, we'll study together. At least I know he's real. My life has crept so long on a broken wing through cells of madness, haunts of horror and fear, that I come to be grateful for a little thing. But with all the writing and typing, my hands hurt all the time, Keely. All the goddam time. I don't think the professors like me. In fact… I don't really think anybody likes me here. I think it's because of my illness. I don't think they like me because I'm insane. Do you think that's fair? Of course it's not. But I can't blame them for it. I hate it, sure, but I just can't blame them, honestly. I wouldn't even really be that hurt if you thought ill of me because of this. I'd understand, Keely. So don't feel bad if you do._

_I'm scared, Keely. I'm so scared. Will I ever be healthy again? I keep myself up late at night thinking about things like that, Keely. I almost never sleep anymore. These thoughts, these visions, these illusions… they're plaguing me. They're sucking the life from me, like a lich. And whenever I do sleep, it's like hell. I fear falling asleep just because I don't want to face what kind of dream my mind might cook up. I dream about Bonnie an awful lot, Keely. Almost every time I go to sleep. Sometimes she's trying to talk to me in those dreams, but I can never quite tell what she's saying. I'll try to talk, but I just won't be able to make a sound. But she keeps coming back, Keely. And she keeps trying to tell me something. Maybe she's trying to help me too. Just like Molly._

_The voices are getting harder and harder to ignore. At first they'd only pop up once in a while, but now they're tormenting me every day. They're constantly criticizing me, slandering me… I can't ignore them. They're interrupting me all the time. They never stop, Keely. Never. That's part of the reason why I hardly sleep anymore. Because of those voices. These treatments just don't seem to be working, Keely. I need help. I need to save myself from this madness._

_I always wake up scared. It sometimes even takes me a while to realize where I am. Keely, it's torture. I'm living in a constant state of fear. Maybe I should just run away from here. Just run away and never look back. Like the three of us would do when we were walking home and old Mr. Fender started yelling at us for hanging out just outside his house… but I guess I'm too old for that kind of childish naïveté._

_I don't like it here, Keely. Yesterday, I just started crying. I couldn't stop for hours. I guess just the reality of everything was catching up to me. I'm tired of being so afraid of everything all the time. I can't stand this condition, Keely. I can't tell what's real and what's fake anymore. _

_I've decided not to stay. I don't think anybody around here will mind. I'm truly sorry, Keely. Tell Mom that I'm sorry, too. Tell her I'm sorry for being such a disappointment._

_And as always, innocent like roller coasters, fatality is like ghosts in the snow. You have no idea what you're up against, but I've seen what they look like: becoming perfect, like sterling silver chainsaws cascading… _

_Love, your sister,  
Ashley_

_P.S. --- I know I'm a week early, but… happy birthday, Keely._

_---_

**I'd say that chapter was hard to write, but that would be a terrible understatement.**_  
_


	25. QUESTION!

**After this chapter, only one more. Enjoy it while it lasts. **

---

After sending the message, Ashley shook her head. "…only one thing left to do…" She rummaged around in her bags for a while until she finally found what she was looking for. She made her way to the bathroom, and took a breath. A flick of the wrist, and the blade popped out.

Whatever comes after has to be better than the hell I'm in now… she thought, holding the switchblade up to her neck, staring down her reflection.

She nearly dropped the knife in surprise when she heard a knock at the door. "…dammit…" she muttered.

"Ashley… open up, I know you're in there…" Max called out.

She glanced at her reflection, and then over at the door.

"What are you doing?" a voice behind her asked, causing her to nearly jump a foot in the air.

_**Sweet berries ready for two  
Ghosts are no different than you  
Ghosts are now waiting for you  
Are you...  
Sweet berries ready for two  
Ghosts are no different than you  
Ghosts are now waiting for you  
Are you dreaming?  
Dreaming the night?  
Dreaming, all right…**_

"…get away from me…" Ashley muttered, covering her ears. "You're not real… it's all in my head…"

"Ashley… what are you doing?" Molly half-shouted.

"Got to get away… get away from you… got to get away… from you…" Ashley muttered, running a hand through her hair distractedly. Realizing she wouldn't be able to get past Max, she looked for another exit route…

When Max finally let himself in, Ashley's laptop was still on, open to the message she had just sent Keely, and the window was wide open, a slight breeze wafting in.

_**Do we, do we know  
When we FLY?  
When we, when we go  
Do we die?**_

Ashley reached the car, and wasn't surprised to see that Molly was already in the passenger's side, waiting for her. She shook her head, stared straight forward, and started up the engine.

"Ashley, listen to me…" Molly pleaded.

"No. You're not real," Ashley muttered.

Molly seemed to find this endlessly amusing. "Ashley… what are you talking about? I'm here, am I not? I'm talking to you… of course I'm real."

Ashley shook her head. "It's all in your head…" she whispered to herself. "…it's all in your head. It's all in your head…"

"Yeah, yeah, _amidst the mists and coldest frosts, with stoutest fists and loudest boasts, he thrusts his fists against the posts, and still insists he sees the ghosts_… Come on, Ashley. I don't know what you're trying to do, but I'm not just going to vanish off the face of the earth just because you think I'm not real…"

Ashley bit her tongue.

"Ashley…"

…_if you had any idea what the hell I'm going through_…

_**Sweet berries ready for two  
Ghosts are no different than you.  
Ghosts are now waiting for you.  
Are you...**_

Ashley passed the local radio station, KOMA ("_Easy, peaceful listening_…" claimed the slogan), along the street, still trying to clear her mind.

"Ashley, please… think about what you're doing…"

"I have thought about what I'm doing," she snapped.

"But… but…"

"I never thought I'd die alone…" Ashley muttered. "I never really thought about my own mortality until Bonnie died. Before then, I was the happiest girl you would've ever met… Who'd have thought it would've come to this…"

"Ashley, it doesn't have to!"

"I just hope that Keely and Mom realize that this isn't their fault…" Ashley muttered.

"No... Ashley, you-"

"I'm just too weak for my own good… whatever is on the other side has got to be better than this…"

_**Sweet berries ready for two  
Ghosts are no different than you.  
Ghosts are now waiting for you.  
Are you dreaming?  
Dreaming the night?  
Dreaming, all right!**_

"It's funny. At night, a few years ago, when I'd think about death, it was horrifying; the thought of not being here anymore, the thought of not existing in this world… only recently, it's been helping me through the night… just the thought of being with Bonnie again… it's relaxing… I'll be with her again…

"It was so much better when I was 16... I was really alive back then… I felt like I was on solid ground… the world was so… different back then…

"I don't even feel alive anymore," Ashley mumbled. Molly was about to pipe up, but she cut her off. "But I'm ready to let go now. I've lost my fear of falling."

_**Do we, do we know  
When we FLY?  
When we, when we go  
Do we die?**_

Ashley kept on driving, ignoring whatever voices she happened to hear.

Something caught her eye in the distance; a figure standing on the side of the road, holding something in front of it, though Ashley couldn't quite tell what it was, due to how far away she was from the blonde on the side of the road.

Once she got closer, she smiled, realizing just who it was.

_**LA LALA LALALALA  
LA LALA LALALALA  
LA LALA LALALALA  
LA LALA LALALALA**_

Bonnie was standing on the side of the road, a noose swinging from her hand like a pendulum. A deep red mark stood out on her neck from where the rope had dug into it.

_**Do we, do we know  
When we FLY?  
When we, when we go  
Do we die?**_

"Ashley… please… please, just rethink what you're doing…"

"…_don't do it, don't do it, don't_…" a tiny voice in her head begged.

"_I know the pieces fit_…" she muttered. She gave a final glance at Molly, then slowly turned her focus back to the road.

"_I know the pieces fit_…" she repeated to herself. "_I know the pieces fit_…"

She spun the steering wheel hard to the left, causing the car to swerve off the road.

Tires squealed, branches snapped, and the car crashed hard into a large tree.

And Ashley heard nothing.

_**LA LALA LALALALA  
LA LALA LALALALA**_

---

**Had to beat the goddam system again tonight. Document Manager wouldn't upload...**

** "Question!"- System of a Down  
**


	26. Ad Perpetuam Memoriam

**I would've updated yesterday, but… I don't know. I was writing, and then… something weird happened. But whatever. Like you care.**

**See where the status says that this story is "complete"? It's not lying.**

**--- **

Keely frowned, looking herself up and down in the mirror. "I don't know… how do you think I look?" she asked the brunette standing beside her for about the seventeenth time that day.

"Keely, you look great," Via assured her. "And besides… you shouldn't have any problems walking, at least," she added, frowning at how tight her dress was around her legs and knees.

"I just… are you sure?"

"Keely, yes! You look amazing, trust me. He's going to love you."

"I just wish my sister was here to see this…" Keely frowned.

"Who said she's not?"

"Well, I know she's here, but… I just wish she was…"

"Say no more…"

"Guys," Ashley said, poking her head into the room, "it's… time…"

Keely nodded.

"You're sure you're ready?" Via asked.

"More than ready. Just… nervous…"

"Understandably. Well, I've got to go out there…" Via gave Keely a quick hug, then followed Ashley out the door.

Keely felt a bit sick. Taking a deep cleansing breath, she took a minute to clear her mind. In a very short while, she wouldn't be Keely Teslow anymore…

---

"Ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to introduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Philip Diffy!"

Keely beamed as the people in the room cheered and applauded. Whilst walking around, her neck was nearly broken as her mother pulled her into a hug. "Hey mom," she spluttered, hugging her back.

"My nugget…" Mandy said, smiling. "I can't believe it…"

"Well, you'd better start, Mom…" Ashley muttered, walking up to the two of them. "Though I don't see how you _can't_ believe it. It's been pretty obvious that this would happen for a long time, now…"

"I don't think that's entirely true," Keely said, blushing.

"Oh, it is. I could tell. You and Phil… well, it was obvious from day one, really. Admit it, Keely."

"It was not!" Keely defended.

Ashley smirked, looking down at her sister. "Yeah… s…sure it isn't…"

Pim walked over as Keely rolled her eyes at her sister. "Hey, Blondie…"

"After all these years…" Keely muttered, "you still call me Blondie. What's wrong with 'Keely'?"

"Nothing… listen, I know I haven't exactly been nice to you these past years… like when I ran over your foot with the car and didn't take you to the emergency room… or when I rigged the voting for Prom King and Queen… or when I had to use you as a human shield to get out of that food fight in your senior year… but listen, if I had to have a sister in law… I'm glad it's you… and Ashley," she added as an afterthought.

"Aww… thanks, Pim," Keely squealed, giving her a hug.

"Okay, that's a bit too sugary for my taste," Pim said, Keely not paying any attention to her. She gladly walked away when Keely released her from her grip.

"Never thought I'd see that girl change…" Keely muttered.

"Nothing stays the same…"

"Guess so…"

Ashley heard a familiar voice call out her name. She looked around, then realized the voice was coming from right next to her. She looked down, and saw Marcee, Molly's daughter, still only five years old.

"Well…" Ashley muttered, "maybe a few things stay the same…" She turned her gaze back upwards, away from the little girl hugging her, whose short stature didn't even permit her arms to rise above Ashley's hips.

"Well yeah," Keely said, assuming her sister was referring to Pim. "I mean, she can't do a _complete_ 360º…"

"Yeah, she can," Ashley said. "Now a complete _180º_ is a completely different matter…"

Keely nodded, as she absentmindedly watched Ashley's hand make movements in midair strikingly similar to those movements of brushing a five-year-old's hair behind their ear.

"I guess some things really never do change, though…" she muttered.

"Some things never will…" Ashley sighed, looking around the room.

"How hard is it to deal, now?"

"They don't talk to me anymore… I guess it's because I've been ignoring them for so long…" A brief silence took over before she added, "Why are we talking about _that_? You just got married!"

Keely smiled. "You're right…" She was about to go on when Owen walked over.

"Hey, did you see all those desperate single chicks fighting over the bouquet?" he asked.

"Uh… yeah," Keely said. "I kind of threw it into that crowd of 'desperate single chicks'…"

"Oh really?" Owen asked. After a brief pause, he had a moment of revelation. "OH yeah…. I remember now…."

"Good for you," Keely said, patting him on the arm lightly.

"It was still pretty awesome, though…" Owen said, a smile on his face. "I mean--"

"Uh… Owen…" Ashley muttered, pointing behind him.

"What?" he asked, turning around. "Oh… whoa… hey…" he said, upon discovering that Via was standing behind him, holding the bouquet that he had just been talking about right under her chin.

"What, Owen?" she said, innocently.

"Uh… not-nothing…" he muttered.

"Come with me, would you?" she asked in the sweetest voice she could muster.

"Uh… sure… okay…" He looked over his shoulder at Keely, who just smiled and gestured for him to go along.

"Think he would? I mean, someday?" Keely asked.

"Owen? Maybe. I mean, Via sure has him whipped…"

Keely laughed. "Yeah, can't deny that much…"

"Speaking of whipped…" Ashley muttered, looking over at Phil, who was crossing the room.

"What?" Keely asked, turning around. "Oh, yeah, should've figured," she added, shaking her head at her sister. Ashley just avoided her stare.

"Say, Keely… you see that guy walking over here?" she asked, pointing towards a brown-haired fellow roughly her height.

"Yeah…"

"Good. Have to be wary when I meet new people… well, I'll see you later," she said, and walked towards him.

"Hey, Keely…" Phil said, coming up beside her.

"Philly-willy…" she muttered, much to his disgust.

"That's never gonna get old to you, is it?"

"Nope. 'Til death do us part, my Philly-willy."

Phil smirked. "Your chariot awaits, Keely…"

"It's not a real chariot, is it? Because horses really smell terrible…"

"Uh… no, it isn't…"

"Good! Let's go!"

After getting in the car waiting for them out front, Phil turned to Keely. "You're not… _really_ going to call me Philly-willy all the time, are you?"

"We'll see…"

"Oh…" Phil moaned. Keely playfully smacked him in the arm as he made a left.

They both remained silent as they passed the graveyard…


End file.
